'I was financially abused for 6 years. Here's what I wish I knew sooner.'

By the time Jessica left her husband, she was under his complete financial control. He controlled all the credit cards, the bank accounts, and managed the bills. 

If Jessica wanted to spend money on something for herself, she had to prepare a strong case to put forward to her husband. 

Sometimes she used cash to buy something small for herself without getting caught. Because getting caught was never worth it. 

Jessica's husband never hit her, but the consequences for her overspending or breaking the financial rules, were serious enough to ensure she rarely did. 

But it didn't start out that way, at least not in a way for Jessica to recognise the behaviours as financial abuse. It almost never does.  

"These things alone don't always feel like abuse — they start off as a feeling of 'he wants me, he loves me that much, he wants to build a secure future together'. It's easy to justify the abuse," Jessica says. 

Looking back, Jessica can see the red flags, but at the time, she justified them as normal behaviour. 

"He was always controlling, with him being the decision-maker and in charge of finances. But this type of behaviour was perceived as common among my friends and in the community. 

"There was a pervasive control over most aspects of my life and freedoms. Nothing I could do ever made it better or made him happy."

If Jessica questioned the control, things became even worse, and eventually she felt completely trapped. 

"I was judged for making decisions without his involvement or permissions," she says. "It drained me pretty quickly to learn how to behave and work within the boundaries of his expectations.  

"On top of that, I was expected to be intimate and available to him when he wanted. Every time."

The consequences, says Jessica, meant it never felt worthwhile to not meet his needs. 

"I was not identified as an individual beyond the 'us', which was actually an illusion, as there was just his way or the highway."

When Jessica returned to work after having children, her husband's controlling became even more severe. 

"My finances became 'ours', and the control intensified as I had my own income and technically could have left. I always had to get home, not use my phone after hours or do extra work around him."

The misconceptions of financial abuse.

Many people assume financial abuse only happens to people from a lower-income household where resources are scarce, but in reality it can occur to any socio-economic group.

Jessica says women from all demographics and backgrounds can become victims of financial abuse because of its insidious nature. 

"Many of these controlling behaviours can initially be misconstrued as caring, loving, being protective and wanting the best for you, even though it feels a bit off, stifling, and over time, demanding and restrictive."

Once an abuser has control of the money, regardless of the amount, they are in control. 

"It happens at all income levels, because it’s not about the money, it’s about the control."

And that's what makes it so difficult to escape from. Victim-survivors may be trapped by economic dependency, making leaving even more daunting, especially if children are involved. 

This is especially true because unlike other forms of overt domestic and family violence, financial abuse is often invisible to the outside world. Sometimes, even victim-survivors may not recognise what they're experiencing as abuse, until they feel completely trapped — as was the case for Jessica. 

Described as a 'hidden' epidemic, financial abuse may start in small and subtle ways and worsen over time – and the consequences can be devastating, both in the short-term and the long-term. As well as emotional distress, financial abuse can lead to future financial instability where victim-survivors are left with no savings or even incur debt without their consent. 

What can we do?

Financial abuse is a serious form of domestic and family violence (DFV) that occurs when an abuser uses money and resources as a means to gain power and control. It often begins subtly and worsens over time, and is one of the most powerful ways to keep someone trapped in an abusive relationship. 

According to the 2023 YouGov survey commissioned by CommBank, almost 1 in 4 adults in Australia report that they've experienced financial abuse by a partner. And the majority of domestic and family violence victim-survivors experience financial abuse. 

Jessica believes more needs to be done to change the culture that contributes to the enabling of abusive behaviour. 

"We still have attitudes that men should earn more, are more capable, and should control their homes and wives. It's still so imbalanced, and society's attitudes and expectations are not improving fast enough to address the core issue.

"We fear for our daughters when they’re out at night or walking the streets or with friends — when the reality is that someone they love or know is more likely to hurt them."

Thankfully, awareness of financial abuse is increasing, and banks are stepping up to help identify and address financially abusive behaviour. 

In 2020, CommBank launched CommBank Next Chapter — a bank-wide commitment to help end financial abuse. During this time, they have established a range of initiatives to help create meaningful change including: 

• Establishing programs and services to support victim-survivors on their journey to long-term financial independence — no matter who they bank with. They've funded Good Shepherd to deliver the Financial Independence Hub, where anyone can access free and confidential support to help them regain control over their finances.

• Developing leading technology to block abusive transaction messages and made the model and source code available to financial institutions globally. 

• Creating white labelled resources to assist other workplaces to support employees.

Jessica says initiatives like these, particularly from commercial entities, send an important message to the community.

"It will surely help someone take a step to have a conversation and start the process of getting themselves away and safe," says Jessica.  

If you're unsure whether you're experiencing financial abuse, Jessica suggests accessing CommBank's Next Chapter service for guidance.

"I had no [prior] lived experience of [financial abuse], so it was a total shock when I started putting it all together, and realised I was being financially abused."

In an emergency, or if you're not feeling safe, always call 000. For immediate crisis support relating to domestic violence or sexual abuse, you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

If you are experiencing financial abuse or know someone that is, the CommBank Next Chapter Team can provide free and confidential support and referrals – no matter who you bank with. Contact them on 1800 222 387, Monday to Friday, 8am to 6pm (AEST), excluding public holidays. An interpreter can be arranged to assist you. Alternatively, check out CommBank Next Chapter to learn more.

YouGov Community Attitudes to Financial Abuse 2023 Survey, sample size of 10,000+ Australians aged 18+ (19 May 2023).

Names and details have been changed. The source of this story is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. 

Feature Image: Getty.