'I could never be a "full time" parent. Here’s why.'

I listened to the latest episode of No Filter with immense curiosity. In the episode, host Mia Freedman spoke to Virginia Tapscott about why she is raising her four kids under six without juggling paid work outside the home. 

I'll admit that the theme of the episode rankled me. 

'Here we go,' I thought. Something else to make me feel bad about my choices as a working parent. 

But while I know I could never be a full time carer like Virginia, I still agreed with a lot of what she had to say.

Listen: No Filter with Virginia Tapscott. Post continues below.

Mothers and primary carers should feel supported to stay at home to raise their children, if like Virginia, this is what they choose. Raising the next generation is about as important as it gets, and if this is what you want to do full time, then your choice should be respected.

The same is true if you are like me and you need your 'village' and professional help to raise your kids.

Parenting is a challenging job, and yet the rewards are great. Gummy smiles from babies and being present when your toddler takes their first steps is amazing. Missing these milestones can be hard, but so can the daily demands of feeding, repetitive play, nappy changing, dealing with tantrums, and visits to the park. 

I don't judge Virginia - I applaud her choice - but it would never have been my choice. 

I struggled immensely after the birth of my first son in 2010 and I would have likely dealt with further mental health issues had I not had the support of family and early childhood education to care for my son in his infancy. 

Initially, I sought care for a few hours here and there, and by the time he reached 12 months old, he had two days per week in a family daycare setting. By age four, it was four days. We repeated this pattern with my younger son.

Although I was not diagnosed or treated for depression, I knew myself well enough to seek the support I needed to raise my children. I was also lucky enough to have a supportive partner and child care choices available to me. 

What I realise at the heart of this sometimes heated debate about motherhood, is that after finances, how you choose to raise your kids also comes down to your personality. 

Watch: Superwoman is dead. Post continues below.

I know and love many brilliant women who wanted families and have nurtured and raised their children with traditional maternal values that I never had, or aspired to. I wanted kids because I wanted a family. I love my two boys fiercely, but my wish to be a mother never directly replaced my wish to work.

I'm sorry to say that I found parenting harder in those all important early years too. 

I didn't love the baby stage and the toddler phase was tough, but now I love chatting to my boys and seeing the wonderful humans they are growing into. I love reading with them and watching them do awesome things. 

I also love that they see me working in a job that I am passionate about. I like that they see me as the person who tucks them into bed at night, but also as the person who is sometimes busy working, meaning they need to ask dad instead.  

Yes, I 'outsourced' a lot of their early years of care to the professionals, but there is not just one type of woman that becomes a mother.

I initially hoped that my maternal instincts would rush in after I had a baby and I would suddenly want to bake and do messy play. When that didn't happen and I felt quite unsettled and miserable, I thought I wasn't 'normal' or a 'good' mum. 

Once it became clear there wasn't anything wrong with me, I sought some support by signing my boys up for early childhood education.

While the first drop offs were hard, it was still the best thing for our family. We all cried a little but shortly after I left, I would receive a photo of my son happily munching on some morning tea or playing in the sandpit. 

Read more: OPINION: 'I want to be able to choose to be "mother," and only that. But society says no.'

I would grab a coffee and get on with work and then be smothered in hugs from a grubby, happy and often knackered kid at pickup time. 

After their day of evidence-based learning, playing and socialising with their friends and professional carers, I knew they had a much better time than they would have had if I was responsible for their care on a full-time basis.

I hated craft and mess at home and going to parks can be boring without friends. On the days I had them at home, however, I made more of an effort because it wasn't every day and because it was all part of a choice that I wholeheartedly appreciated.

I needed my village to help raise my kids and while I occasionally felt pangs of guilt, I never felt like I could have done it any other way.

As a feminist living in Australia in 2022 who thankfully has choices to make around pregnancy, birth, and parenting, I applaud the rights and choices of all women and mothers.

For too long, women had no option but to stay at home after having kids, and while this might have suited some women, many others suffered. 

I am grateful to the previous generations of women (and men) who have fought to change laws and societal expectations so that I can choose how I live my life while working and parenting.

As Virginia says, there is more work to be done with wider society not judging mothers or primary carers on how they choose to parent their children, but I don't believe most of this judgement comes from other mothers.

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Most women and mums are just trying their best to do what they believe is right for them and for their families. We are all too busy with our own worry and schedules to have the time and brain space to judge others.

While we are all mothers, we are all still individuals with a variety of needs and goals and we should remember that how we choose to do it looks different for each of us.

Read more:

• LEIGH CAMPBELL: My best days are the ones my son is in daycare.
• Mia Freedman: 'Focus on your parenting wins, not fails' and my other golden rules for parenting.

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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