The Twins recap Married at First Sight: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'

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We open with a scream in the middle of the night, a woman's voice laced with sheer terror, and oh, did a bride just fully comprehend what she’s… done?

Okay it was Tamara. And we assume she must have been having a nightmare. About a hospitality worker. Handing her the Eftpos machine. With the question "Tip?" on the screen. 

It turns out she then sat up in the bed and told her new husband Brent "there’s someone here". Brent confirms there was knocking in the night and omg we love a ghost plot. 

'I'm possessed which is an extra challenge. For you.' 

There are only two explanations for what occurred:

The first is that it was John Aiken. Staging an experiment. Which involves making couples think they’re in The Amityville Horror. It’s an everyday conflict couples face, and John wants to see how they overcome sharing a home with noisy dead people. 

The second is that Tamara is possessed by the devil. And she brought with her a number of evil spirits, which honestly goes on the ‘Cons’ list for poor Brent. He’s like no offence but if you’re possessed I’m fckn leaving and honestly, fair. 

Over on Anthony and Selin’s honeymoon, Selin has the ick and personally we’re loving it. 

Who would've thought??? 

"All of Anthony’s romantic gestures have been rebuffed," the narrator tells us, and yeah, that’s because he tried to feed a grown woman mushy banana with his bare sticky hands during a global pandemic? What is a woman to do?? Just take a mouthful of virus as though it’s no big deal???

Anthony suggests that Selin might have her guard up ever since she swats him away like a fly every time he comes within ten metres of her and she’s all like 'I DON’T FEEL LIKE I HAVE A GUARD UP' before motioning for her security guards to remove this strange man from the premises.

Things are going similarly well between Selina and Cody.

Selina is still dealing with the fact her husband doesn’t find her sexually attractive, mostly because it happened less than eight hours ago.

'And irreparably.'  

Here’s the thing.

We should never have to hear someone tell us they’re not sexually attracted to us. That’s why lying exists. And ghosting. And pretending we have deep-seated psycho-sexual issues that have nothing to do with them. 

Meanwhile, Mitch is running Ella a bath.

She has a three date rule before she sleeps with someone. But turns out that rule becomes redundant if that person doesn’t try, constantly, to have sex with you. Like they might not even know you have a rule? Because you’ve never had to flag it?? 

Mitch runs Ella a bath and she thinks that maybe now she could shout "NOOO DON’T I HAVE A RULE". He takes his bottoms off and ffs this is the second d*ck reveal we’ve seen in two days. These poor camera crews. Being assaulted. By the willies of men desperate to collab with like-minded brands (use code BIGDICKMITCH20 for 20% off cat food).

'It may or may not brush up against your leg to say hello.' 

Over on Tamara and Jack’s honeymoon, they’re feeding alpacas which is not even a little bit what we’re here for. 

But THEN a rogue goat starts giving birth and give that poor woman some privacy. Her labour is being televised? Because it’s a moment for Domenica and Jack? Like the goat is in pain? Can someone give her an epidural and an ice pack?

"Phone is in my back pocket but I'm currently indisposed." 

They both get very emotional and we find ourselves texting our partners asking why we’ve never seen an alpaca give birth not even once. In all this time.

Back on Selin and Anthony’s honeymoon, they’re doing pottery. Selin puts some clay on Anthony’s face. Then Anthony puts some clay on Selin face.

But. No.

She’s not having it. Yeah, she might have done it first. But that was different. In that she has the ick so everything Anthony does will be annoying and gross. 

We imagine the unlucky woman running the pottery class being like “oh y do u hate each other” and then clocking the Channel Nine logo before muttering “oh yes, right”.

How much clearer can I be?  

They appear to abandon the pottery activity altogether, and instead get in the car to fight some more. It’s incredibly embarrassing for everyone involved and we would argue that you can’t come back from this. It’s too humiliating to have spent so long fighting about something so specific. 

On Andrew and Holly’s honeymoon, things are going swimmingly, so yeah, they get an urgent delivery. It’s John Aiken’s Honesty Box and it’s full of tears and broken relationships.

Holly asks Andrew if he feels any sexual chemistry with her and the music suddenly changes. It’s his big Texan d*ck. It has things to say. 

"I enjoy sex," Andrew says. "I enjoy it all the time. In random places…" and Sir firstly that’s illegal and secondly pls stick to the… question. 

"I know I’m not bad at sex," he continues. "I know I have the right equipment," and holy s**t no one asked??

"I feel like when we were intimate, you weren’t there," he says. "So it wasn’t enjoyable to me, if I’m being completely honest with you." But he won’t stop.

"The sex would've been great. Except you were there." 

"I’ve had one night stands where the partner was more into me than you were into me."

Look. We’re going to ask this once and once only. 

Are you telling your wife, who you met earlier this week, that she’s… a bad root. On national television. And expecting that to help. The bedroom. Situation.

He continues to explain that sex is important to him in a relationship and MATE IT’S DAY THREE. WE’RE GOING TO NEED YOU TO CALM THE F**K DOWN.

But there are other urgent matters to address because Tamara has made a confession to Brent and it’s about her feet.

Not only does she have feet, but she has toenails. Except for one. Which is missing. So it’s fake. And she wants to show him. 

"I DIDN'T FCKN ASK." 

He keeps yelling DON’T DON’T DON’T and almost vomiting and how is this an adult relationship.

Unfortunately, the producers have run out of foot content so we go to Domenica and Jack’s honeymoon, where the Honesty Box - by now covered in everyone’s dirty COVID germs - is attempting to create immediate and irreconcilable dysfunction. 

There’s a moment where they have a misunderstanding caused directly by s**t-stirring questions, but then they resolve it like grown ups which is weird and unsettling. 

Mitch and Ella, however, don’t have time for the Honesty Box. Because they’ve been having sexual intercourse. And now Mitch is stretching in the shower which is one of the more traumatising things we’ve seen this season. 

"Great honey."  

Okay but no Mitch is upside down.

um. 

... 

Sir.  

He’s going to hurt himself and it’s going to be incredibly embarrassing to explain the circumstances in which he acquired his injury. He fake married a stranger on the television, you see, and then after they consummated their non-legally binding marriage, he celebrated by doing a handstand in the shower - an area well-known for being slippery and surrounded by sharp things.

Despite having put it on the record that she hates everything about him, Selin is spending a night glamping with Anthony.

If there’s one thing that exacerbates any existing annoyances you have with another human being - it’s camping. But we don’t even have to wait for anyone to get smelly/attempt to build a fire/fix an issue with the tent, because Selin really hates how Anthony calls toasted sandwiches jaffles. Like she needs him to stop. Immediately.

2. Your general presence.  

Selin tells Anthony she thinks it’s getting more awkward for them as it goes on, which is a lovely trajectory for a marriage. She adds, "I feel like you need a lot," such as me to be kind to you when I don’t want to touch you or speak to you or be around you, broadly. 

Anthony tells the cameras, "I’m 900kms away from home, I haven’t seen my daughter in weeks, and when I get vulnerable she says that’s confronting for her," and this is why we tend to marry people who love us. Because it helps with the cruelty.

The next morning, we’re told they had a huge fight and no offence but WHY DIDN’T YOU FILM IT?? You have literally one job? And it’s to document, for the public record, the petty fights of the people who are really here for Instagram?

For more from The Twins, listen to their comedy podcast, Cancelled. Post continues below.

Anthony says Selin is different when the cameras aren’t on and bullied him, and how do we put this. 

Selin doesn’t like Anthony. And what happens when you force her to stay is that she’ll start being mean for no reason.

Anthony leaves and Selin is like THANK F**K.

UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.

For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. 

You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.  

Read our previous recaps here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."

Feature Image: Channel Nine + Mamamia.