Why royal children dress like gorgeous little ghosts.

Have you been to a playground lately? Have you seen what the kids are wearing?

They’re so much cooler than us.

Drop-crotch skinny jeans. Ironic hipster T-shirts. Harem pants. Tutus with Doc Martens. Neutrals with fluoro. Pom-poms. Metallic sandals. Directional haircuts.

In the average capital city playground, the little people look exactly like big people. Big people who work as digital trend strategists in a warehouse office in Sydney’s Surry Hills.

A post shared by Jules Sebastian (@julessebastian) on Mar 19, 2017 at 12:37am PDT

Excellent example of how the cool kids dress: the lovely Jules Sebastian, with Hudson and Archer.

It isn’t like that over in London’s swanky Kensington, people. You have never seen Prince George in a skinny jean. Or a Converse hi-top. Or, come to think of it, a T-shirt that says ‘I’m a boob man’.

You have never seen Princess Charlotte in pink-rimmed sunnies. Or silver and gold polka dots. Or leopard print. Or (shudder) a bikini.

No, the royal offspring, whose pictures we fawn over with way too infrequent delight, look like they are dressing for another time.

A post shared by Kensington Palace (@kensingtonroyal) on May 1, 2017 at 2:02am PDT

Princess Charlotte’s second birthday outfit.

Double-buttoned frock coats. Cardigans that look (but most certainly aren’t) home-made. Dresses with sashes. Anoraks. Pull-overs with the shirt collar on the outside. Floral smocks. Shorts with knee-socks. Mary Janes for boys.

Did we mention cardigans? So many cardigans.

Our children look nothing like royal children, and we’re beginning to wish they did.

Last night, when the photos of Princess Charlotte were released, just in time for her second birthday, we were all immediately talking about her cardigan. The jumper – the Baby Luxury Sheep Cardigan from department store John Lewis – sold out in seconds. Knitting patterns immediately sprang up all over the internet so that you could create your own (cough, as if we’re doing that). Presumably, Pixie Curtis’s website crashed under the weight of people trying to buy a teeny-tiny blue hair bow.

Here are plenty of pictures of Princess Charlotte, for your viewing pleasure. (Post continues after gallery.)

Princess Mary and her husband Frederick, over in Denmark, have exactly the same idea.

Their four (count ’em) kids get around in collared shirts, matching dresses and sensible haircuts. Sometimes, they wear woolly jumpers that look like they’d be so itchy around the neck, they’d make you cry.

They don’t look anything like the children we see all around us. And that’s exactly the point.

When you’re royal, it seems, it’s always 1963. Or, it’s always The Others.

The reasons for this are many, but mostly, it’s about class. The royal kids need to look posher than everyone else because they are posher than everyone else.

The Danish royals. So many natural fibres:

For example, the reason you never see little Prince George in long trousers is because the common people put their kids in long trousers. You know, with cuffs.

“It’s a very English thing to dress a young boy in shorts,” etiquette expert William Hanson told Harpers magazine.

“Trousers are for older boys and men, whereas shorts on young boys is one of those silent class markers that we have in England. Although times are (slowly) changing, a pair of trousers on a young boy is considered quite middle class – quite suburban.

“And no self-respecting aristo or royal would want to be considered suburban. Even the Duchess of Cambridge.”

Listen: The parenting technique Kate Middleton is a big fan of. (Post continues after audio.)

Yes, you’re looking at ‘silent class markers’ here, people. Girls being girls in pretty, modest dresses that could never be accused of being glam or vulgar. Natural fibres at all time. Absolutely NO BEDAZZLING. Sequins are for the common people. They are less likely to have earrings than they are McDonalds.

And for the boys – sensible hair. No overgrown curls. It’s important that they dress like their dads dressed when they were children. Because classic. Because timeless. Royals, little ones and big ones, are fashion icons even though they don’t do fashion.

So take note, parents. That teeny-tiny skull-and-cross bones tee your little one looks so darn cute in? It’s just so suburban.

Time to dig out the knee socks.

Do you love how the royal children dress?