Keep a spare key outside, and 9 other weirdly useful tips for new parents.

Having kept a tiny human alive for nearly six months, I am now qualified to give all the advice to others about how to parent. 

JOKING. I am as clueless as the next person and really have no business writing this article. In fact, ignore all of it.

But if you do choose to read on, here are my 10 best pieces of advice for first-time mums. 

Watch: Parenting 101 tips for new parents. Post continues below.

1. You matter too.

This is actual genuine good advice that I will stand behind so please don't ignore this one. You are about to enter into a very strange period of your life. Sometimes it will feel like you don’t matter anymore, and society will tell you that you definitely don’t matter as much as your new tiny human, and you should abandon all personal desires and be entirely selfless. 

You are full of hormones and crying all the time and probably in pain. Your life is now ruled by a tiny potato gremlin who does not care at all how cool you used to be. 

But you matter too. If it doesn’t work for you, it won’t work for the baby.

2. Take the nappy bag.

No matter where you are going, Take. The. Nappy. Bag. Even if it’s just to the letterbox, take the nappy bag. Bad things (usually involving lots of poop) happen when you don’t take the nappy bag.

3. Time your pregnancy.

Babies are expensive. Save money by timing your pregnancy for six to nine months after friends and family have had their last child. They will be so keen to get rid of bulky baby items their little one has outgrown that they will begin appearing on your doorstep free of charge.

4. Take off your glasses.

Worried about house work? Take off your glasses. Voila! The floor is clean and there are no longer marks on the shower door. Don’t wear glasses? Try putting some on! It will have a similar effect and you will be too dizzy to notice the dishes.

5. Presents are now easy. 

Congratulations, you have just hacked present giving for the rest of your life. Everyone you know can now be given a framed photograph of your child for any and all occasions.

6. Accept that everything you own is now covered in vomit.

Even if you haven’t worn it since before you were pregnant or it just came out of the wash, it’s now covered in baby spew. Resistance is futile. Just go with it.

Relatedly, the washing will never be "done". In the wise words of the internet, find a new dream.

7. Most people mean well.

You are about to be the recipient of some of the dumbest, most useless and probably insulting advice and comments you have ever received. The "just you waits" seem to be particularly common. It’s like some sort of messed up competition as to who had it harder.

Things going well? "Oh, just you wait until the four-month sleep regression/teething/toddler years." Think it’s hard now? "Just you wait until they get sick/learn to stand/you have another."

Although it can be tempting to pop a dummy into these people’s mouths or throw a teething ring at their head (and sometimes, this will absolutely be the right reaction), they usually mean well. Try to remain calm.

Listen to Mamamia's parenting podcast This Glorious Mess. Post continues below.

8. Pick your song wisely.

You know, "the" song. The song you will sing to calm them down or put them to sleep. Ideally, it should have a lot of verses, and you should know the words to all of them. 

Otherwise, you might find yourself repeating "yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah" all night, or be 30 minutes deep into that same refrain of 'Hey Jude' and wondering if it would have killed McCartney to write some additional lyrics.

9. Keep a key outside.

Between multiple trips to the car for the nappy bag, the baby, the car capsule, a water bottle and the kitchen sink that it now requires to leave the house, you will inevitably lock yourself out. 

If there is no spare key, you’ll end up standing outside screaming at Siri through the gap in the laundry door to call your husband to come rescue you whilst your baby looks at you with a mixture of disdain and pity. Or so I hear.

10. Go to shopping centres.

Feeling down? Go to a shopping centre frequented by the elderly and enjoy the comments about how cute your baby is and how well you look. Just keep number seven in mind, as some of the real doozies I got came from my grandparent's generation. "Have you tried putting whiskey on his dummy?" "I think he would like some condensed milk love." And my personal favourite: "Spit on him."

Also, figure out the shopping centre with the best parenting rooms. It’s worth an extra 15-minute drive to not have to worry about catching diseases from the feeding chair.

You're welcome!

Elizabeth Olds is a full-time lawyer, part-time Christmas movie reviewer (not really, but if you build it they will come, right?). She's currently a tiny person's snack bitch.

Feature Image: Supplied.