'School uniforms need to grow on trees.' 9 things you know to be true if you have a blended family.

Listen to this story being read by Laura Jackel, here.

Firstly, the word "blended" probably doesn’t fit most "blended families" simply by insinuating several family units can just blend. Chuck a group of adults and kids together where there is plenty of history for some and an entire future for others and you’re bound to discover the reality of blending, or merging, or combining, might be limited to what is unavoidable levels of contact and not much else. But we’re rolling with the term because for now, it feels better than the old one: broken.

Secondly, that wasn’t one of my 10 things. It was just a 11th thing I think we need to talk about.

Before you read the 10 things I’ve learnt in blending, know this: all of our families are normal. If you are rocking the blending, we love you. If you are not rocking the blending because you aren’t ready to be or the other adults in your situation aren’t ready to be, we love you.

While you're here, watch how the horoscopes homeschool their children. Post continues after video.

Blending can be really hard, and it can be really rewarding, and it can be both of these things in the same moment. 

We’re doing blended differently, but here’s 10 things I’ve found to be true about having a blended family.

1. You cringe when someone asks, "How many kids do you have?"

Not because it’s a big number in everyone’s case. But because it’s just awkward. 

Despite plenty of practice, I have absolutely no advice on how to answer this question. 

Sometimes I think I have nailed the script, "I have one daughter that I grew and five hearts I inherited through marriage." But mostly, I fumble between a hasty, "Six, we’re blended" and, "Lots but I didn’t birth them all." 

I don’t really remember when I started answering in a way that included my step kids, but I can’t imagine a response now where I don’t.

2. Nudity is a thing of the past.

Actually, the sanctuary of 'home' has taken a hit on a few fronts. But that feels like a story all of its own. 

Sticking with nudity in the home, my step kids never got the memo, and with four boys, I’ve determined that the word "penis" is in fact the most commonly used word in the English language. (Well, at least in my house).

As for me, nudity cannot win out even in the inevitable moments of realising I don’t have a towel, or my bra is on the clothesline, or I left my clothes hanging in the laundry after ironing. Or I just want one hot minute of body breathing. 

There is kid flesh everywhere in my house but the (step) mum flesh is eternally concealed to spare the horror that would prevail for us if I was to be only half the nudist the kids are. 

On the flip side, in the forgotten towel moments, someone will eventually hear my pleas. Or I drip dry. Mostly drip dry.  

3. Calendar management is real.

I have always been a good scheduler. I like to know where I need to be and rather than rely on my brain’s capacity to store my commitments; I have used a calendar. That has prepared me for approximately 0 per cent of dealing with managing the calendar of blended life. 

Before I say any more, I’m going to acknowledge the variations upon variations of blended family rosters. Week about, weekends, school holidays, ad lib. And variations of these. 

In my house, our calendar determines whether we are RSVPing to events for eight of us, seven of us, four of us, or three of us, depending on what the event is and when it’s held. The calendar determines when we can holiday and how many of us will go. The calendar determines which parent will take a child to an appointment or whether we can commit to before or after-school activities for kids. The calendar determines whether we need to seek variations for special occasions, like Father’s Day or birthdays. Calendar management is real.

4. You’ll have kids that are always missing something.

While I cry for long-lost days of walking through my front door after work and shedding my pants and bra, it’s a bit more complex for my daughter and step kids. They are always missing something. 

When my step kids are with their mum, they are missing their little sister. And she is desperately missing them. 

No matter which house they are at, my step kids are without at least one of their parents, without one household of pets, without the toys and extended family from that home. They miss events; they miss experiences, and in our case, they miss each other because not all have the same nights in each house. 

Whilst it doesn’t come close to what they experience in the 'missing' stakes, when my step kids aren’t here, I am not always celebrating with nudity; often I’m missing them too.  

5. You’re learning about child-led affection.

I’m not sure this is the case for everyone, although I’ve spoken with many people about it and I feel like we can say lots of us experience this. 

In blended families, the bonus parent is not the one leading affection. I feel like that sounds bad... but it’s a thing. 

I’m a very affectionate person, and I would like to think I was showing my step kids' affection as early in our relationship as possible. But I know I was following their lead.

My daughter is a kiss smothered hug heap, and despite all my reminders to her about her owning her body, there’s no stopping me from squishing her with all the hugs and kisses I can get in before she moves on to the next interesting thing in her life. 

This has made me realise I will always have a mild layer of affection-control with my step kids. I’ll always follow their lead and roll with what best fits each of them, which is sometimes big hugs and couch snuggles and sometimes them skulking to get past without being noticed.

6. School uniforms need to grow on trees.

School uniforms. Ugh. You think you have enough to maintain both households. And then they get a blazer. And no one wants to buy two blazers. Moreover, expecting kids to change over with everything that’s needed in a week is a recipe for disappointment. Even with tried and tested systems, the changeover of kid’s stuff is difficult. 

There’s always a pair of socks missing, a shirt overlooked, or a specific bit of kit (soccer boots, piano lesson book) that doesn’t make the journey. And we obviously don’t discover the omission until the dying moments of departure in full flight of school-morning-anarchy.    

7. You have overused space that doubles as redundant space.

The house needs to be big enough and small enough. There is room sharing, much to the horror of the room sharers, and then all too often there are empty rooms, unused spaces, and dormant toys/clothing/kid junk. 

The same goes with cars. Sometimes a five-seater will do, and other times it feels like we need a bus. 

But the reality is, we have to balance what is reasonable and enough, and what is over catering. I’m not sure we’ll ever get it to feel just right, and I’m not sure you can expect to when you swing the pendulum of occupancy from one extreme to the other. 

8. Festive holidays... 🤯

Presents, traditions, extended families and everyone getting their Christmas Day hug. Balancing what you do for your "together" kids, your kids, their kids. The fair time for changeover, empty houses on special days. These moments can be overwhelming for everyone, but there’s a next level dimension with blended families.

9. Sometimes you fantasise about it being different... then feel guilt.

Because you wouldn’t change it. But sometimes it’s just hard. And I reckon that’s why we should keep talking about it.

Franii Cayley is the storyteller behind Not Quite Nuclear; a space for real talk, crazy happenings and managing the awkward moments of living in a blended family with two adults, six children, and two dogs. Going from single to stepmum is a wild ride of love, challenge and conversations you never knew you’d have. Follow the Cayley family adventures on  Instagram and Facebook.

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