In a series of special bonus episodes of HER, exclusively for Mamamia subscribers, Sophie Cachia and sex columnist Nadia Bokody are answering all the questions you didn't think you could ask about sex with a woman.
In one episode, Sophie and Nadia answered all the questions you've been too afraid to ask about strap ons and sex toys.
Here's what they shared.
Are straps ons popular?
Firstly, are straps on as popular in real life as they appear in porn?
"There is this idea that all lesbians are just strapping on a dildo so that we can bang it out," shared Nadia, adding there's a heteronormative idea that sex cannot happen unless there is a penis going inside of a vagina.
Because of this concept, Nadia said there's a "horrible mythology" of cis-gendered straight men assuming strap-on dildos are "trying to emulate having a penis."
Sophie agreed, before sharing her own story about learning to be okay with bringing strap ons into the mix.
"Initially, when I started sleeping with women, I was very much like, 'No. I'm not using [a strap on] because I don't need it. I don't need a dick,'" she recalled.
"But what I quickly realised is a strap on for me is not replicating a dick. It's something that gives you pleasure. And for me, it's been really different with different sexual partners that I've had."
Sophie and Nadia also noted it's important to remember strap ons come in different shapes, sizes, colours and makes. In fact, there are plenty that don't replicate the shape of a penis.
"You can get glitter, you can get neon, some of them vibrate," said Nadia. "Oh! And most importantly, they're attached to a woman! So [those] are some key differences [between a penis and a strap on]."
Sophie Cachia was a married mum-of-two when her life changed unexpectedly after meeting... HER. And she isn’t alone. Join Sophie over six episodes, as she speaks to women from different walks of life, whose lives changed when they discovered they were attracted to women. Post continues below.
How do you approach using a strap on for the first time?
Chatting with your partner before sexual intercourse is so important, and Nadia and Sophie advise first-timers to ask even the questions that feel embarrassing to discuss.
"The beautiful thing about queer sex is it quite literally forces you to communicate," Nadia noted, adding it's even more important to speak whilst using a strap on. Because... news flash: you can't physically "feel" if it's going in the right way.
"You very quickly realise, 'I can't feel anything that's happening down there!'" she said. "I thought it would be just like having a penis."
Nadia advises to keep the communication happening throughout.
"You can't assume anything because things can go quite wrong," she explains.
"So you have to have that conversation. 'Have I got the angle right? Do you want me to angle myself differently? Fast or slow?' You're forced to have those conversations."
Should you replace your sex toys with each new sexual partner?
While it's entirely up to personal preference, Sophie explained on HER that she changes sex toys when she enters a new relationship.
"It becomes quite an intimate object to your relationship like, 'That's ours, or these are our toys,'" she said.
"I think casual sexual encounters are a little bit different. But I know if I'm entering into a committed relationship, I will not bring any toys from that previous relationship to the new one because personally, I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. I just think it's respectful."
What is your advice to someone trying a strap on for the first time?
Nadia shared that every woman trying out sex with another woman for the first time should opt for a toy they are comfortable with.
"I would personally say to buy something smaller and softer just to start," the sex columnist said. "The larger and harder ones are going to be some people need to work up towards.
She also advised women to place a condom over the sex toy before use if you have multiple sexual partners and to use lube.
"Don't be embarrassed if you're bad at it to start with," Sophie added.
"Don't be scared to be sh*t is basically what I'm saying. You're learning. You're doing something for the first time. It is supposed to be enjoyable and pleasurable."
Read more on this topic:
- Sophie Cachia's step-by-step guide to going down on a woman.
- Sophie Cachia on whether scissoring is actually something people do in the bedroom.
Listen to this subscriber episode of HER here.
Feature Image: Mamamia.