"My house is your house." How to welcome a foster child into your home.

My husband and I have been fostering for over five years. During this time, we have welcomed over 30 little, and not so little, lodgers into our home. (This has been a mixture of emergency, respite, and permanent placements).

We have learnt a few things along the way, so we would like to share some of our 'welcoming' techniques with you.

(Please note, when referring to foster children within this article, the main age group focused on are children from eight to 18 years of age. Welcoming younger children is a totally different ball game and one which I will address separately.)

Watch: This is the reality for Aussie kids living in foster care. Post continues after video.

Now, there are some things that are good for your child to know as soon as they arrive, but you also don’t want to overwhelm them with too much information. Because of this, I have incorporated a suggested timeline along with our tips.

Day 0: Pre-arrival preparation.

My husband and I put together a PowerPoint slide pack which our Agency Support Worker shows the child before they arrive on our doorstep. The pack has photos of us, our house (inside and out), and our pets. That way, the child knows what to expect. They know you are not a three-eyed monster and that you also have a friendly dog, and so forth. We have found our dog Tank to be the best icebreaker around.

Tank is the best icebreaker we have - he loves children and they love him - it's a win-win. Image: Supplied.

If you have precious or sentimental things about your house that you don’t want to be broken, accidentally or otherwise, put them away somewhere safe before your foster child arrives. Our rule is not to worry about material things - if something breaks by accident, it was an accident, so let’s move on. If something breaks due to a wilful act, during an angry outburst, then there may be consequences such as no Wi-Fi until the child calms down and apologises for what they’ve done.

We have second-hand furniture and yes, our second-hand sofas have permanent stains and marks on them (even after a steam clean) but they get covered with colourful, cheerful, sofa covers. That way, if there is an accidental spillage (and there will be), it’s no biggie.

Day 1: Their room is their room.

Some people will say to set up the child’s bedroom before they arrive, but we like to let the child make the room their own over time. There is a bed, desk and wardrobe in there - the rest is up to them to style how they like.

The majority of children in care have pictures, posters, and photos they may like to hang on their bedroom walls. Allowing them to pick what goes up on their walls will be way more meaningful to them than any so-called 'inspirational' wall hangings you may find out there that say meaningless things like: 'Follow your dreams', 'Nothing is impossible', 'Today I will be a unicorn', etc.

Most children, no matter what their age, will have a favourite colour (for curtains, cushions, bed sheets, etc.). That is a great starting point. And yes, to a teenager, black is a colour.

You can say no. For instance, if your teenager asks for candles or burning incense as part of their bedroom decor, this is never a good idea. However, you can offer some alternatives such as battery-operated tea light candles or a string of soft, fairy lights and an aroma diffuser instead.

You may enter. We let the child know we will knock on their door and ask if we can come into their room, and will wait for a positive response, before entering. We also let them know they need to do the same for us. This provides everyone with a sense of privacy in their rooms.

Day 1: Food security.

Sit down with your foster child and make a list of their favourite meals and snacks. We have found they really appreciate our interest in their preferences.

Passionfruit, mangoes, and pineapple were favourites of one of our little lodgers. So we always made sure we had plenty of these in our fruit bowl. She knew these were hers for the taking any time, day or night.

Knowing they have easy access to food may stop food hoarding behaviours and will make the child feel less stressed about where their next meal is coming from.

Day 1: Contact.

Reassure a child in your care that family contact, as approved by Child Safety, will continue under your care.

Day 1: School.

If they are school age, let them know they will go to the same school. Or, if they are changing schools, let them know why. If possible, give them time to say goodbye to their friends and teachers. Also, let them know they will be involved in the decision around which school they will go to in the future.

Day 2 and 3: Settle petal.

Give them a few days to settle down before you start explaining their new routine, chores, and other expectations you may have in mind. Do not overwhelm or overload them at this point.

Take them for a walk around the neighbourhood. Visit a local park with a basketball or a footy and have some fun.

Day 4: Routine.

Explain what their day-to-day routine may look like, including what time they will need to get up to make school. Have it written up and pinned on the fridge and in their bedroom. If they don't have a mobile phone to set an alarm, organise an alarm clock for them.

Day 5: Setting expectations.

Working along with your child, put together a list of things you expect from them and also a list of what they can expect from you.

Ongoing: Be inclusive.

Include your fosterling in family celebrations, outings, etc. This is one of the best ways for you to connect with them.

If you are going on holiday, take your foster child with you, especially if it is an overseas trip. You will feel the joy of seeing your child enjoy many firsts. For instance, seeing our permanent foster child enjoy snow for the first time in her life was a blast. She was so elated by it all, she could barely keep still. 

Ongoing: Patience and communication.

They will test you. We had a foster child who told us she didn’t know how to swim and was never taught how to ride a bike. At first, we thought this was true, but she was caught out when I raised these things with her previous carer. 

According to her previous carer, our foster child could swim like a fish and ride like the wind. We asked our foster child why she lied about these things and she said she was testing us to see what we would do.

Having said that, being open with your foster child will usually promote them being open to you. Listen and show how much you care about their concerns, needs, and wants. The likelihood is, you won’t be able to do everything they ask but no doubt your thoughtful consideration will be noted and hopefully appreciated.

Listen: Leigh and Tegan chat to a foster carer about what’s really involved in fostering. Story continues after podcast.

Ongoing: Toys and games.

I'm constantly looking on Gumtree and Facebook Marketplace for free or reasonably priced, secondhand, good-quality toys, games, and books for children of all ages. We have a wall unit crammed with these items. 

The lower levels have toys that are within reach for babies and toddlers and the higher shelves are packed with games for older children. I often go through these to check the games and toys aren't broken, parts aren't missing, and everything works correctly. There is nothing more frustrating for a child than if they see a toy they want to play with but it won't work.

A trampoline is also a great investment for your foster children. Our children's eyes always light up when they see we have one. A trampoline gets children outside doing exercise and they usually love this type of activity no matter what their age. But beware, you may be coerced to jump along with them and/or at least watching them as they perform for you.

*****

A big part of how you welcome your fosterling will depend on their age and their temperament. Every child is different and some will need more space than others.

There is no perfect way to welcome a child into your home, but if your interactions are managed on a case-by-case basis with empathy, patience, and love, then you will be off to a great start.

For more information on what it's like being a foster carer, check out Sandra's blog here.

Feature Image: Getty.