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It's time for the final commitment ceremony but first I would like to demand a spin-off series just for Tahnee and Ollie.
For the banter, the vibes and the lack of Harrison, but also for the One Direction decor.
Tahnee is a Harry girl: confirmed ✅
These two are prepared and excited about their futures outside of the experiment.
Lyndall and Cameron are not, and they don't even have an old One Direction book to distract me from that fact.
Lyndall is hurt by Cam's revelation that he initially said he'd move for love, but now he plans to make precisely zero changes to his lifestyle to accommodate her.
Despite threatening to go home, Bronte has hung around to tell us she's finally seen the light (she hasn't).
Oh, but also, she has stayed to give Harrison another chance/to continue being on Australia's most talked about reality TV show. Presumably.
Meanwhile, Melinda and Layton have been sitting in silence for 24 hours and are now having the same argument we've been watching them have for three episodes.
It's fun for all of us.
Insert audience groan from Wednesday here
We get to continue this extremely annoying loop-de-loop because they are first on the couch, to decide if they will pack their bags for the hometown visits next week.
Melinda says their relationship is the worst it's ever been as Harrison smirks and horror music plays.
I truly think I could recap this storyline without seeing the episode.
She says (again) that she is hurt by Layton's inability to see her decision to do the couple swap from her perspective, and he says (again) that the challenge went against his principles.
Mel speaks about her feelings some more, Layton is forced to listen to her feelings, and ultimately they both choose to stay because they are excited at the prospect of finally talking about something different.
Insert audience "yays!" here
Next up is Tahnee and Ollie, who admits he had a weird time with the partner swap challenge.
He says it made him worry about if he was good enough and... oh.
OLLIE.
SWEETIE.
Tahnee was happy to be the ostrich to your Steve Jobs at the last dinner party. You are GOOD.
"You are more than good enough for me, so please don't feel that way," she assures him.
The challenge helped them realise they need to communicate how much they like each other and THEY REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER.
AND I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE THEM
Before they go back to the group, John Aiken gives him props for being a man who can talk about his feelings.
Which is nice and lovely and a sad indictment on... other men and/or society at large.
Woo!
"Doesn't stop him fake crying though"
Evelyn and Rupert arrive on the couch to... not talk about their relationship.
She asks the experts for permission to call someone the f**k out and they are like 'GO FOR IT BABES WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY HERE FOR GENUINE RELATIONSHIPS.'
'WE ARE HERE FOR THE MESS.'
I don't even need to tell you who she has beef with.
Melinda and Lyndall both back her up, which results in Harrison saying "don't play the sex card!" precisely 20 seconds after he called Evelyn "love" in a patronising way.
Mel wraps them up because the experts do not have the emotional capacity to fully deal with Harrison now/probably ever.
Instead, she wants to focus on something they can handle: telling Rupert to take Evelyn on a date or something.
They both opt to stay and Evelyn earns a standing ovation from me because:
Slay
Cam and Lyndall sit down, and Cam says they can make things work outside of the experiment as long as Lyndall's cool with seeing him once a year for Christmas.
Or on a random Thursday in September.
Or some other time, maybe. Idk and neither does he.
She is unsure if she is cool with that and Cam is confused why she didn't tell him this earlier, but I'M still confused why HE didn't tell Lyndall about to extent of his remote work until in a group setting.
Cam recognises that he has approached things too black and white and even though this is never going to work – I'm sorry, but it's not! – they each choose to stay so they can show each other what their lives look like, before they never see each other's lives again.
Next up is Alyssa and Duncan, who tells everyone about breaking down after Alyssa left for a day to see her child following another fight.
Alyssa is annoyed he didn't tell her he was crying and Alessandra is like, 'maybe just listen to your unicorn MAFS husband instead of making it about yourself'.
They both choose to stay, but Alessandra tells them to sort their s**t out because the experts put a lot of effort into creating Duncan in a lab and right now their hard work is not being respected.
I thank her for her service.
"On this show you are 200 times more likely to meet a Harrison than a Duncan and you are FUMBLING THE MAN"
Finally, we get to Bronte and H*******.
He says Bronte telling her friends he's a dirtbag is a deal breaker for him but this stance is missing some key information. Namely, that HE IS A DIRTBAG.
He says Bronte told someone he was a manipulator, and he doesn't like that because it's damaging to his character. I would argue that being a manipulator is precisely 89.7 per cent OF his character, so there's little left to damage.
He's worried about what those kinds of allegations could do to his life and hoy boy I think you have bigger fish to fry because... we have all seen... so much.
Bronte says he told Lyndall she was fake, a liar and a gaslighter (lol) but he "genuinely can't remember" saying those things.
"I genuinely don't believe you," Mel says.
LOVE THAT ENERGY MEL BUT I DO WISH YOU'D ALL HAD IT THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SEASON.
"And it turns out you kinda suck!"
It is decision time, and let me remind you that Harrison said at the last dinner party that there was "unequivocally no chance" he would write stay!
I feel like that's important to the narrative!
Bronte, who also said she wanted to leave, chooses to stay. They entire group face palms.
Oh well.
At least we have Harrison left to do the logical thing, and the thing he said he was going to do, and the thing that makes the most sense given... their... relationship.
OH.
WHAT DO YA KNOW?
HE WROTE STAY TOO.
Melinda instantly interrupts, and these two have never been more excited in their lives:
SAME!!!!!
She and Lyndall come with receipts, but Bronte... really wants to sit next to him on a five-hour flight to Perth. Big yikes.
And Harrison says leaving this fake relationship would be too easy.
WHO FOR?
NOT FOR BRONTE. NOT FOR THE REST OF THE GROUP. CERTAINLY NOT FOR US POOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO SIT THROUGH IT. And definitely not for me, who has to keep coming up with new and creative ways to describe your bullsh*t. It's hard! I'm tired!
OH
MY
GOD
OLLIE HAS THINGS TO SAY.
(And calls him 'Harry' which gives me the heebie-jeebies, but I shall let it slide this once because: DRAG HIMMMMMM.)
"Did you not say at the boyz night that you didn't want to go to Perth at all?"
GO OLLIE GO!!!
"You didn't want Bronte to be your tour guide," he continues.
"And also-" OH HERE COMES MELINDA.
"You said she just wanted to hop in a bikini and show off."
OH SNAP.
"This has got to stop," Mel says.
SO HAS THIS LUKEWARM EXPERT RESPONSE TO HIS ACTIONS TBH.
She asks what keeps them together despite everything and they are, obviously, open and honest in response.
Lol jk they pretend they have "chemistry"
Sigh.
Horror movie sounds swell as they return to the group but at this point, I think we should start switching it out for circus music.
See you tomorrow.
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
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Feature image: Channel Nine.
Top Comments
Workshopping.
Most of it looks rehearsed.
IS Harrison really what he appears ? Or Bronte, or any of them ?
Probably not because hey, this is a boddice-ripping TV show after all and that melodramatic music is designed to drive our appreciation of this reality angst-fest one extra push over a cliff.
The weak part of MAFS is of course the SCRIPT since not one of the players is bright enough to wow us with any decent zingers.
Another series of MAFS ?............................Nah.
Hahahaha - thank you David! My tired self feels very seen by this! 😅