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What better way to wind down after a dramatic barbie than with a dramatic dinner.
The narrator says the "turbulent" couple's retreat "put relationships to the test" in a somber tone, as if that wasn't the entire point.
Then she says things are about to get "hairier" which is a WEIRD word to use and OH-
Sure! Why not!
Jesse and Claire are continuing to be cute, and are planning to move back in together.
Two people who should never live together are Hugo and Tayla, who is currently MIA after being confronted about her treatment of him for the 200th time.
"I think she's a nice enough person," Hugo says AND I AM EXTREMELY CONFUSED. "I don't think it's that she's got a bad bone in her body."
WHY IS HE BEING SO DIPLOMATIC?
All he wants from Tayla is some self-awareness and that would be impossible even if she had not VANISHED.
She text Claire to say she has gone back to Tassie, to the only Hugo she wants anything to do with: her goat.
Alyssa and Duncan are still fighting because Alyssa is self-sabotaging an almost perfect relationship.
Duncan reassures her, again, that he cares about her and she says that's nice but SHE DOESN'T REALLY BELIEVE HIM EVEN THOUGH HE'S GIVEN HER LITERALLY NO REASON NOT TO.
I'M SO FRUSTRATED
Meanwhile, Melinda and Layton's relationship is more solid than ever on account of them both hating Harrison.
She's proud that they fought the evil force that is a walking, talking red flag together and thinks this bodes well for their future.
SPEAKING OF.
MR RED FLAG JUST DUMPED BRONTE OVER TEXT MESSAGE.
Bronte says Harrison's text said he couldn't trust her and that's genuinely the funniest thing I've ever heard.
"I don't understand how you can go from saying that you are falling in love with somebody to breaking up with me over a text message," she says.
Oooh I know this one! It's because drama = screen time = attention!
I'm 200 per cent convinced these two came to some kind of agreement where they'd try to get as much screen time as humanly possible, and unfortunately for all of us IT HAS BEEN WORKING.
"I don't understand why you're so upset," he tells her.
It's all just too insane to be real.
Give her an Emmy though
John Aiken is particularly excited about this part of the experiment because they keep throwing real-world experiences, like all expenses paid trips to fancy Southern Highlands retreats, at the couples.
Makes sense!
First to arrive are Jesse and Claire, who suggests they hide and scare whoever arrives next. Jesse thinks this is the hottest thing any woman has ever done.
They give Melinda and Layton a fright and it is the highlight of expert Mel's life.
SUCH A HAPPY GAL
Claire tells the women about Tayla's return to Tasmania and John Aiken is SHOCKED.
I would've thought her yelling "I'M NOT STAYING I'M GOING BACK TO TASSIE" at the last commitment ceremony was a hint but what do I know?
Hugo arrives alone, having just delivered a glorious and definitely unprompted rendition of 'Good Riddance' by Green Day in the back of the car.
The poor boy does not know that Tayla's gone home to Hugoat (F*** YES I AM SO PROUD OF THAT ONE).
I should just pack it up now, I've peaked
Claire pulls him aside to deliver the news and he's like... wut.
Yes, I have made this joke before but after the goat pun I reckon I can phone it in for a while
After processing, he says he hopes she feels better and has been able to see everyone she missed such as her friends and family, and her... goat.
Honestly, Hugo is a better person than I am. He still finds positives about a fake wife who has been nothing but mean to him since the moment they met.
Speaking of Tayla!
Cam arrives with his hair down and everyone acts like he's just come back from spending the day with Trinny and Susannah.
Hahahahahah oh boy, I hope this is not too niche
Finally, Bronte storms into the room, leaving her LITERAL walking, talking red flag of an (ex) fake husband in her dust.
She pulls all the women aside and tells them about Harrison's break-up text.
Claire says Bronte has finally seen Harrison for "the giant pimple that he is" and I am sooooo excited about all the creative insults we may witness tonight!
Meanwhile, the experts watch Harrison pretend he's cut up and consider whether it is all fake. Welcome, friends. You are only many weeks late to the party.
Then a completely unhinged, high-pitched violin sound plays. Kudos to whoever is in charge of post-production music because I AM CACKLING.
Ollie, the man, the myth, the legend, points out that every time Harrison 'cries', he doesn't actually... cry.
Correct. I don't think Harrison's tear ducts have worked in decades.
King!
John Aiken is REALLY looking forward to this dinner party because he wants to see whether the group hold Harrison to account f***ing loves mess.
Harrison wants to enjoy his salad in peace, but that's hard when absolutely everyone at the table wants to call you a dirtbag.
Melinda says the trajectory of his and Bronte's relationship doesn't make sense.
He says Bronte told him she wanted to go home during an argument and that broke HIS trust... After he was seeing someone the day before his fake TV wedding and took another woman's number on a night out, mind you!
Claire cracks up laughing and hahahahahahahahaha she is so all of us right now.
Incredible scenes
"You continuously break my trust," he tells Bronte.
She has told him multiple times that she is invested in their relationship and planned to move to Sydney for him, which he calls a "wishy-washy" response.
Are you yelling at your screen? You're yelling at your screen, aren't you?
Bronte runs out in tears, recognising that she is in an unwinnable situation. But that is actually a win when you think about it!
Not having anything to do with Harrison ever again is currently Australia's most valuable prize!
The answer is... it's not.
The entire group exchange glances of 'this f***ing guy', before Claire launches a full scale attack.
"You are literally the loudest mouth in here with the worst relationship," he fires back.
OH NO HE DIDN'T.
HIS FACE IS SO SMUG I ACTUALLY CANNOT DEAL.
"You need to take off that shirt, stick it on a pole and wave it around because you're a giant red f***ing flag" Claire says.
IT IS THE GREATEST SENTENCE OF ALL TIME.
This image will live on forever
Rather than face the music, he deflects by claiming that Claire told Bronte she was only there to repair her image after her cheating scandal.
She says that is bullsh*t, but it works. Suddenly, everyone forgets about Harrison being the worst person to grace our televisions, and instead interrogate Claire's intentions.
GODDAMNIT PEOPLE CAN WE FOCUS ON THE D*CKHEAD AT HAND.
John says Harrison's actions are "so transparent" which is true but also makes this even more terrifying, because it's STILL WORKING.
Jesse says Harrison validated a fear he had, and tells Claire that he knows, in his heart, that she doesn't actually like like him.
"In the real world, which is what happened at the bar that night with Adam, that was you actually liking someone," he says.
Meanwhile:
WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW
Claire apologises for making him feel that way and denies Harrison's claims, but it's too late. The walking, talking red flag has successfully got to Jesse.
I was mad before but I'm now on the verge of going full Joker.
This might just be my villain origin story.
Before I can even ponder whether I'd be an evil witch or a disturbed clown, we hear the sound of high heels clip clopping their way into the room.
Almost... goat-like.
HUGOAT IS HERE.
No, I'm lying. But Tayla has returned from Tasmania, goat-free, for at least an additional five minutes of camera time.
It better be worth the large carbon footprint.
Poor darling
She and Hugo talk privately, where she says she's graciously chosen not to grill him on everything.
Then she starts grilling him.
"But I will give this a go," she reckons.
I TRULY DON'T THINK YOU WILL, TAYLA.
Then he showers her with compliments while breaking up with her, and she takes it all back.
Are you lost yet?
They decide to call it quits then and there and the group cannot even pretend to be shocked.
Cam says it's nice that they're leaving on good terms which, 1. LOL and 2. I am so excited for the reunion episode because I SWEAR TO GOD, A CHEATING SCANDAL IS COMING.
Before leaving Tayla says she has a confession and tell me WHY I just got so EXCITED about possible CHEATING.
But no, she just took Hugo's fake wedding ring and let him think he lost it. I cannot believe she left Hugoat again for this weak a**e confession.
So long Tayla, so long Hugo. It's been... something.
NOW BACK TO THE DIRTBAG IN THE RED SHIRT.
Mel says he's been like a wrecking ball tonight and please leave Miley Cyrus out of this.
Melinda and Evelyn go in on him, while Cam... fixes his hair.
FOCUS, FABIO!
He tries to compare himself to Jesse. It is genuinely offensive.
The entire table can see through him at this point, though.
"I feel like I've just got handed these tickets to a performance and I'm just wondering where I can get a refund," Melinda says.
I don't quite get it because you cannot get a refund on a gifted item but THE INTENTION REMAINS SOLID.
Slay!!!!!!!!! Metaphorically and literally!!!
"From what I've heard behind closed doors, you sound like a living nightmare," he replies.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
FROM WHAT WE'VE HEARD IN AN OPEN FORUM YOU ARE A LIVING NIGHTMARE.
The deflection. The delusion. The - say it with me now! - AUDACITY.
Layton jumps in to be like 'WTF man', and Harrison starts throwing accusations twisting Layton's words to make him look bad.
Neither of them take the bait, which leaves Harrison with nothing to do but stew on the fact that everyone sees him for what he really is: THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
Sigh. I'm off to bang my head against a wall.
See you on Sunday!
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
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Feature image: Channel Nine.
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