We’ve heard about breaking up with toxic friends or toxic partners. But what about if the toxic person is your mum?
After many, many years of soul-searching, I have decided to separate from my mother. The grief I have been experiencing is akin to going through a divorce (I have already been through one of those, so you’d think I’d be an expert by now).
It’s different to a divorce though. Even though I’m always connected to my ex-husband through our children, he came into my life when I was already an adult, so I think I was able to see more clearly why the relationship wasn’t working.
But when you’ve had a relationship with someone since birth, and that person is pretty good at convincing you nothing is wrong, it is harder to disentangle yourself.
Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it didn’t feel right. The years of passive-aggressive manipulation, the many ways my heart has been broken by her behavior – still I tried to keep the relationship going. After all, losing a parent is significant, and society tells us we should love our parents. It’s hard to go against all of that.
At some point in my late teens I realised my mother’s pattern was one of enmeshment. She was intrusive and demanding, and felt entitled to know everything about me. She wouldn’t let me live independently or have my own thoughts. I thought she meant well though, and felt guilty about abandoning her.
In the end, it was seeing the terrible effect on my children that persuaded me. Even with me as a buffer, my mother’s toxic behavior impacted them.
Throughout my marriage, my husband had complained of the way my mother treated me – undermining my parenting skills and making me generally more anxious than I needed to be. Always assuming the worst, her negativity spread throughout our little family unit like a virus.
Top Comments
This describes exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing and reassuring me that I'm not alone and that I haven't done anything meaning to hurt her, just need to protect myself.
My mother abused me physically (when I was young), verbally, emotionally and financially. I kept trying to please her but it was not possible. I finally stood up to her and said that I did not have to take her abusive behavior any longer, and that I was not going to do it. Mother flipped out and started SCREAMING at me at the top of her lungs. "I will talk to you any damn way I please!!!" I said, "No, Mother, you won't. ... " A short while later, Mother "apologized" but I knew that the apology was insincere. She abused me again the next day. That was "the end" for me. I couldn't wait to get away from her. I did get away from her, to save myself. I knew it was for the best, but I did go through a painful grieving process. I worked my way through that and I was/am much happier not being abused. Mother died a few years ago. I did go to the funeral. There were no tears, etc.