When it comes to the idea of ‘one true love’, how realistic is this really?
Can we honestly find someone, our supposed soul mate, who’s going to make us happy for the rest of our lives? Who is going to fill our every requirement, in and outside of the bedroom, for the REST OF OUR LIVES?
Or are open relationships the new black?
“I think there’s a lot more appetite towards more untraditional relationships and I suspect the pandemic had a lot to do with it,” Isabella Mise from Ashley Madison – the world’s leading married dating site – told Mamamia.
Watch: Changing the way we think about consensual non-monogamy. Post continues after video.
“That 24/7 confinement with a partner would have highlighted any cracks in the relationship and given people time to reevaluate whether the relationship was working, whether monogamy was working, and whether it makes sense."
It was no surprise, then, that once lockdowns lifted, Ashley Madison memberships spiked.
“Maybe the answer now is not that relationships have an expiration date, but maybe they have an expansion rate, and we can expand instead of expire,” Ashley Madison’s sex and couples therapist, Dr Tammy Nelson, told Mamamia.
“Open relationships can bring more emotional and sexual energy into a committed partnership, and are a way to expand a committed partnership where the focus of monogamy is not based on morality so much as integrity.”
So in this new world of fluid romances, where throuples are in and non-monogamy is on the rise, how do you start a conversation with your partner about opening up your own relationship?
Dr Nelson said it’s all about the “monogamy continuum” and asking the right questions to establish where you and your partner sit on the new sliding scale of monogamy.
1. What fantasies do you have about other people?
To get the ball rolling, Dr Nelson suggested a “what if” conversation.
“So one end of the spectrum might be, what are the fantasies you have about other people, and should we talk about them with each other?”
“What's private and what's secret? If every time I see someone at the grocery store that I think is hot, should I come home and tell you, or is that going to get us into trouble?”
2. Should we flirt with other people?
Moving up the monogamy continuum is what it is to flirt with other people.
“Couples could ask, 'Have we flirted with other people in front of each other before? If so, did this feel positive? Could we bring that energy home? And would that make our relationship more juicy, or would that feel threatening to our partnership?'” Dr Nelson said.
3. What happens if we develop feelings for other people?
Things get trickier when emotions get involved, so Dr Nelson recommended asking these questions early on.
“You could say, 'What happens if we develop feelings for another person? Is that an emotional affair? Should we tell each other? Can we have feelings for other people?'” she suggested.
“I think that's the shift in monogamy today. This is not your grandmother's monogamy anymore. I think we can expand it to include having feelings for other people without necessarily meaning that it's the end of our feelings for each other. It doesn't mean we have to dump each other or trade each other in for someone else.”
4. What would happen if we have sex with other people?
“A lot of people have fantasies about having a threesome, inviting other people in, or going to a sex club or a sex party,” Dr Nelson said.
“So when the conversation comes, the question could be, 'Can we have sex with other people together? What if we have sex separately, like on vacation? Or should we get a hall pass?'
“Those kinds of conversations can be sexy and erotic just to talk about it, even if you never do that.”
5. Where could this new relationship go?
Here we hit the middle of the continuum, and it's where it gets a bit messier.
Dr Nelson said a question to ask is, "If we do have a sexual relationship, what is that going to look like with other people?”
“I think what most people think of when they think of an open, non-monogamous relationship, is that it's just about sex,” she said. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s up to you to define the relationship and what it consists of.
6. How are we going to deal with any jealousy?
On the far side of the continuum is jealousy, according to Dr Nelson.
“When you start thinking about jealousy, it's good to talk about how much time, attention and affection you’re going to spend on these other sexual relationships because then you can get into some really specific conversations about what that actually means.
“Like, what are you actually jealous about?”
7. What would we tell other people?
While the societal dynamic may have shifted, not everyone will want to divulge their new relationship status on Facebook.
“Questions to ask would be, 'How open are we going to be about our open relationship? Are we going to tell other people? Are we going to tell our parents? What about the kids? And how are we going to expand into the world?'” Dr Nelson said.
Listen to the hosts of No Filter talk to Nadia Bokody about her open relationship. Post continues below.
8. What happens if it threatens our relationship?
The fear that a new arrangement could disrupt your current relationship is very real, and something to discuss openly.
“I would suggest asking, 'What happens if it all goes off the rails and threatens our connection? What would we do then? Do we have a veto to shut it down? What happens if one of us says this is not working for me?'
“I think it's really important to have those conversations so that if something starts to go bad, you have an out clause. If you don't discuss everything really explicitly, then you might have a disagreement about what it even means to be in an open relationship, and so I think you have to be as explicit as possible and really revisit your agreement all the time and update it.”
9. Can you love more than one person at once?
The final question has to be: what about love?
“On the far end of the spectrum, is: can you really love more than one person at a time?” Dr Nelson said.
“Do you want to be polyamorous? Do you want to have multiple loving relationships within your relationship? And if so, do you not want to be the couple centric? Do you want everyone to be equal? Do you want everyone to have the same privileges?
“That whole continuum is so wide open that your idea of an open relationship and your partner’s idea of an open relationship could be so vastly different, so as you begin to explore it, you could have major differences in what you want it to look like.
"I really think you have to continue to have the conversations about what you want, and what's working and what's not.”
Image: Getty.
