‘I was in the trenches and arm deep in poo’. 20 times when parents just couldn’t.

I say this as a non-parent. As someone who gags every time she has to clean up her cat’s furballs. As someone who somehow has reached the age of 33 without ever having changed a dirty nappy. 

Just how. HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL, MUMS AND DADS?! LIKE, EVERY DAY?!

Because when I posed the question - what’s a time when you just couldn’t parent - I was overwhelmed with responses. You could say I was on the receiving end of a projectile pile of stories so horrifying I’ll be rethinking any offers to babysit anytime soon. 

Watch: Mothers confess the craziest things they've done while running on far too little sleep. Post continues after video.

Poop and spew, poop and spew, folks. Because as my childhood bestie told me, “it’s almost always poo with parenting”. 

And what I've learned about these horror tales is that they’ll stay with you for life, FOR LIFE PEOPLE.

So take a bow, dear parents, you absolute superheroes, you champions, you beacons of the night. And then maybe go check on the kids. 

Claire.

“My husband was working away, three and a half hours down south, so I drove the boys (Logan, then aged almost three-years-old, and Declan, nine-months) down on my own to see him for the weekend. I stopped at Maccas and took the boys in to get nuggets and chips. They ate and then fell asleep. 

“We had 49 minutes left to go until we got there when I heard Logan make a noise. I looked at him in the rearview mirror and he was projectile vomiting all over himself and his car seat and the car. 

“We were in peak hour traffic, in roadworks, on country roads, and I couldn’t do anything about it so we just had to keep driving. Then at the 19 minutes left mark, he did it again. Thank God I was driving to my husband and he could help and I didn’t have to deal with that alone!

“I can still remember that moment, like it’s burned into my brain. The fear on his little face, with the vomit streaming out of his mouth…”

Georgina.

“My two-year-old pooped his nappy at 6am and tried to help us by taking it off himself. But then it got on his feet, so he used a book to try scrape it off. Then it got too much and he must have panicked trying to scrap it off himself and the book, resulting in poo ALL over the carpet, on the mirror, on the bed… everywhere. 

“We felt horrible because we gave him the naughty talk when we saw it, but upon looking at the footage he was just making an innocent series of mistakes trying to clean up after himself so we laughed it off and he did too.”

Aimee.

“I was at the park with my fully toilet-trained two-year-old and she was climbing up this high spider web climbing frame (so directly above me where I could catch her if needed). She was stretched out like a starfish climbing and just… started weeing....mid-air, a steady stream right through her clothes and onto me and everyone on the ground beneath her.

“It was legit her first accident and I was MORTIFIED, but couldn't stop laughing! Not much else you can do at that point, she certainly didn't care!”

Hayley.

“Two weeks ago we went to my grandfather’s 80th and along with about 30 other family members came back with a lovely bout of gastro. My two girls (three-years-old and one) projectile vomited all over the house. Hubby was struck and completely out of action. It was hell on earth and ended with a trip to the children’s emergency department with my littlest at midnight. FUN!”

Hayley ended up in hospital when her entire family caught gastro. Image: Supplied.

Nicolle.

“I was eight months pregnant, walked into my son Hudson’s room and he had taken off his nappy and smeared poo everywhere and when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. 

“I called my husband and made him leave work early to come clean it up because I just could not deal.” 

Tiffany.

“That time when my toddler, while wearing a life vest, took all his spaghetti pesto dinner and put it in a toy watering can and fork-fed it to the dog.

“He’s the definition of goblin energy.”

Stacey.

“One night I was trying to be a healthy mum (you know, after my toddler had consumed copious amounts of strawberry milk during the day) and gave her salmon for dinner. But when my husband went to put her in her cot later that night, she suddenly projectile vomited all down him. I repeat, STRAWBERRY MILK AND SALMON, PEOPLE. 

“She was then so upset - and my husband was trying not to throw up himself - so she insisted on being passed to me, all while still covered in pink vomit. 

“I still heave at the thought of it.”

Sarah.

“My husband and I were feeling brave so we decided to go out for breakfast somewhere new with our three-month-old boy. We found a carpark but when we took him out of his car seat, we could smell that he’d done a poo. No problem, we’d just use the change table at the cafe, except there wasn’t one. So back to the car we went for a ‘boot’ change, but by then it had started pouring with rain. 

“Racking my brain, I remembered that there was a leagues club a few blocks away, so we quickly drove there and while taking bub out of the car seat we discovered that it was no simple poo. It was a dreaded poonami which had spread both up his back and down his legs. 

“We had to sign into the club, tell the staff member we were there for a coffee but first could she point us in the direction of a baby change room. We went in to assess the damage and… it was bad. While carrying him, the poo had spread. We peeled off his many layers of soiled clothes while he cried in protest. It was so loud I’m sure everyone heard it. And the poo… it was everywhere. We didn’t have enough baby wipes and ended up wiping him down with a dozen wet pieces of paper towel. 

Listen: This Glorious Mess discusses Jessica Rowe's parenting philosophy. Post continues after podcast.

“I say we, but I was in the trenches, arm deep in poo while my husband stared in shock, passing me a paper towel. I knew I had to hold it together even though I wanted to just give up and walk out. 

“Leaving the change room, I couldn’t look the staff member in the eye, I was so embarrassed. My husband looked at me and said he honestly wouldn’t have known where to start if I wasn’t there. They don’t teach new parents about the poonamis but should!”

Lauren.

“My oldest just asked if she could eat her dinner in the bathtub. I couldn’t come up with a good reason why not, so she’s chillin’ with her plate in the tub. She ate her whole salad though, so I’m calling it a win.”

Tanya.

“I was at Woolworths and my daughter was in the trolley. She kept waving for me to hold her hand, so I put my hand out for her to hold and while I was talking to a lady at the deli section she leant down and just vomited in my hand.”

Pip.

“I will never forget the time my daughter did a poo so big that my husband yelled at me from the other room, ‘this is a two-man job!’. 

“How we laughed.”

Sarah.

“I was living in a small apartment at the time so I didn’t think my daughter, then two-years-old, could get into much mischief because there wasn’t far she could go. Anyway, I was making dinner, and she’d only been away from me for 10 minutes or so and at that time she was obsessed with makeup.

“I remember I opened the door and there was Estée Lauder foundation everywhere. All over the floor and all over her body. She had rubbed it into everything. She just thought it was hilarious. I wasn’t even upset. I just remember thinking how silly I was leaving it in a cupboard where she could reach it.”

Sarah had turned her back for 10 minutes when her two-year-old found her Estée Lauder foundation. Image: Supplied with parental permission.

Lorena.

“I was home alone and the baby had to be changed in the middle of the night. From the bassinet, I put her in between my legs to make it quick but I was very sleepy and turned for a second to get wipes and she projectile pooped all over my body, face, mouth and bed sheets. It was a WTF moment for sure. 

“She is now 11. I haven’t forgiven her.”

Claire.

“The Easter hat parade. Every year we're expected to create this artistic representation of the Easter Bunny and his egg delivery process through the medium of cardboard and plastic. I presumed it was an activity that my child would do in class and I would be amazed by her talents on the day of the parade but no, this is a task parents and children do together at home, with craft glue and glitter. Not this year. 

“The day of the parade came and I had not purchased a single fluffy yellow chick or pipe cleaner and my kid is like, ‘Mum it's the Easter hat parade, where's my hat?’. Her hat was a $2 pair of rabbit ears I bought from Coles on the way to school.”

Susanne.

“I was baking with my three toddlers (I had three under three). One spilt a bag of flour all on the floor - it went everywhere - and another one came in from outside with cat poo under their shoe. The flour and the cat poo ended up everywhere in seconds.

“I remember just lying on the floor on my back and surrendering. It took all afternoon to clean up.”

Laura.

“Whenever I think of funny parenting moments, I remember this photo [below]. My then three-year-old did not want to do ANOTHER walk around the block - even if I pushed him in the stroller. It was the start of the first Covid lockdown and honestly all I could do was laugh and snap this pic. Class toddler tantrum! I think we abandoned the walk and went inside and put the TV on.”

Laura's walk was over when her toddler pulled this tantrum. Image: Supplied.

Sophie.

“My son is now 18, but when he was two, I heard him in his room one Saturday morning, talking to himself, so I knew he was awake. I walked in to get him and saw the horror of what he had done. He had taken his nappy off and was finger painting on the wall behind his cot with his poop.

“I quietly backed out and closed the door thinking ‘not today, Satan’ and told his father that he had asked for him specifically. I let him deal with it and I went back to bed. Hearing the ‘Oh WTF!’ definitely made my day better that I wasn’t the one to clean it up.”

Freya.

“My daughter got into a giant tub of Desitin (nappy rash ointment). She was completely covered in it. Like head to toe. She was like an oiled, covered duckling in a Dawn commercial. My husband and I tag teamed. I cleaned her off in the bathtub while he scrubbed the surfaces in her room. Took us both a freaking hour. 

“When we were done we both sat on the sofa like, ‘well that was some sh*t, huh’. Two minutes later our daughter toddles back into the room completely covered in Desitin AGAIN! Turns out she had originally scooped it out and put it in the sink of her play kitchen. Five years later, I still have a chair with two tiny Desitin handprints on it.”

Jessica.

“My youngest was toilet training at about two-years-old. She had started to poo her pants so I took her to the toilet and she started to have the biggest melt down. I was trying to hold her still whilst getting her undies off and she somehow flipped herself up and her sh*tty bum went right on my forehead and gave me a Simba stripe of poo!

“I had to just leave her there screaming while I walked away ready to throw up.”

Isabelle

“My four-year-old had these textas that smelled really nice (to her) so she would draw all over her face with them.. It was funny the first time but then it became every morning and as it layered on it got really hard to wash off.

“Eventually we had to confiscate the textas from the house. Then she found my eyebrow pencil and decided to do hers too. You can imagine…”

The one that gives us hope

If like me you're looking for faith that IT WILL ALL GET BETTER, just listen to my friend Ruby. The mum of two said she reaches that point - where she just can't parent - often. 

"Is it weird that I get to that point a lot but when asked for an anecdote, I can't remember one? How good is the memory to erase the hard bits LOL."

So here's to forgetting! 

What’s your biggest parenting fail? Let us know in the comments below!

Image: Supplied.