Originally published on Everyday Feminism.
For almost my entire life, I felt as though I couldn’t trust my own memory.
If something happened that upset me, hurt me, or angered me, my reaction was often met with some variation of “That didn’t happen! I never said that! You’re overreacting!”
I would think to myself, “Am I making this up, am I creating this hurt, am I fabricating this anger?”
Parents and partners alike would deny my experiences, washing away painful memories as if I had simply painted them for my own amusement.
I started to think that maybe I really was “too sensitive”, that I really was overreacting, being unfair, blaming others for something that was happening inside of me.
And that’s a confusing, frustrating, and even dangerous place to be.
Because after years of being told that your memory is not reliable, you begin to depend on what others say truly happened. Nearly every time I felt angry or hurt, it was the person angering or hurting me that I believed had the “real” knowledge of what had transpired.
And even in the moments when I began to believe myself, I’d feel a pulling in my brain: “You’re hurt—no, you’re just imagining things” or “You’re angry—no, you’re just too sensitive.” This tension nearly pulled me apart.
But one day, I pushed back.
I had gotten into a huge argument with a family member. As per usual, this family member entered my home making homophobic comments as hellos, which then escalated to a full-blown argument.
Top Comments
I was gaslighted and emotionally abused by a friend for over 10 years. I don't know why it took me a long time to see what she was doing. She would constantly put me down. If something good ever happened to me she would say I'm happy for you but...and would then go into all the things that could go wrong. When I was going through depression she told me to get over it and that I was a failure in life...5 minutes later she'd ask me if I wanted to go out for drinks with her! Madness! She hated it when I disagreed with her about anything. I was once yelled at for 20 minutes because I hadn't liked a movie we'd watched but she did. Then there was the time I was gaslighted (although at the time I didn't know that's what it was) she had rung me one morning and asked if I wanted to spend the day with her. I said yes and she said I'll pick you up in half an hour outside the front of your place. So half an hour later I'm out there waiting and waiting and waiting. 45 minutes go by with no show so I messaged and called her but no answer. I went back inside to wait and she turned up 4 hours later. I asked her what happened and immediately she snapped at me and said so what you'll get over it. I mentioned that she was supposed to be there in 30minutes like she had said and she started yelling at me. I never said I'd be there in half an hour that's all in your head. You know I never said that don't you? You know you're imagining this don't you? (By this time she was speaking to me really slowly as if I was stupid) that kind of treatment happened often and no, I don't know why I didn't end the friendship. I think I felt sorry for her as she had no friends (no surprises there) but the thing with toxic people is that until they recognise they have a problem they will continuously be a problem in your life and the sad thing is, most toxic people think everyone else is the problem and that nothing is ever their fault.
Thanks this was great. I recently broke up with my Mum, as she has been doing this to me (yet not my sister's) my entire life. I'm over it!