'For years, this one bad habit while socialising ruined my relationships.'

At some point, most of us have changed ourselves to fit in. It's a human survival mechanism that kicks in when we fear rejection or want to be accepted. Just think back to high school days and you'll probably know what I mean. The problem is when it becomes a way of life. A habit so ingrained that we lose touch with who we are and end up feeling empty and disconnected.

I know this because I've been that social chameleon. I had a knack for sensing what people wanted me to be and delivering just that. I was like a human version of a mood ring, constantly shifting to reflect my surroundings.

It scored me a tonne of 'friends' and 'good-time' dates. For a long time, I thought this made me adaptable, easy-going, and likable. But being a social chameleon was slowly (and surely) eroding my self-love, self-respect and self-esteem.

Watch: The 5 ways to boost your self-esteem. Post continues after video.

People got to know my fake persona rather than who I was underneath the show.

I didn't see the impact of it at first. But over time, I noticed a gnawing emptiness inside. I had this sense that no one really knew me because, honestly, I didn't even know myself.

I was so busy reflecting back on what I thought others wanted to see that I had no idea of who I actually was. Rocking up to parties or dates, I'd 'turn on, or up, or down' to bend like a pretzel, all the while feeling this ick-ness inside, and a quiet voice saying, "it doesn't have to be this way." I'd go home, look at myself in the mirror and feel ashamed and downright sad.

Friends expected me to be this way. Guys I dated did too. So, when I couldn't hold the real me in anymore, the people who benefited from my chameleon ways didn't stick around too long. They were lonely times.

I was showing up as everyone's version of 'me' but not my own. I was desperate for connection but constantly sabotaging any chance of real, meaningful relationships. You can't have genuine connections when you're not showing up as your genuine self.

There was a turning point for me like there is for most of us if we take the damn turn. A moment of clarity when I realised this had to stop. I was at a party I really didn't want to be at. Checking my phone incessantly like a crazy person because a guy I was dating was not-so-subtly ending our non-exclusive relationship, my friend said, "You've got to let this guy go and move on!"

Deep down I knew she was right. An hour or so later, a guy at the party took interest in me and in truth, I had zero interest in him. We chatted a bit and then I took myself off to bed. However, not long after, he climbed into my bed and started making out with me. I really didn't want to, but I went along with it.

Waking up the next day, I wanted to leave. And not just the house and the dude sleeping next to me, but my old ways too. I was so easily influenced by friends and guys that I allowed them to dictate my life.

For the first time in a long time, I took time out from seeing friends and dating guys.

I needed to get to know myself, which by the way was very uncomfortable. But it was time. Time to do the work. Therapy, journaling, and diving deep into my own patterns. I began noticing when I would slip into chameleon mode, why I would do it, the stories in my head that told me to do it, who I mainly did it around and what was it about their personality where I felt the need to adapt.

The one line I stuck to and said to myself was, "Stay rooted in your boots", and imagined roots coming out from my feet that were plugging me into the ground. Into the real me.

Listen to Fill My Cup where Clinical Psychologist Dr Rebecca Ray joins us to shed light on why we people please, and how to set better boundaries. Post continues after podcast.

The truth is, that being a social chameleon is a form of self-betrayal. We're rejecting ourselves. We say yes when we mean no, laugh at jokes we don't find funny, and nod in agreement with things we don't actually believe. We become shapeshifters, moulding ourselves into what we think will make others like us. But this comes at a cost. Our sense of self, our authenticity, and our ability to form genuine connections pay the price.

This isn't to say that we stonewall people and become grade-A a**holes to "stay true to ourselves". It's not one or the other, black or white. It's being curious about our behaviour, our typical patterned response and asking ourselves if there is a better way forward.

To be real, there are people who I meet now where my old ways want to come back and take my true self hostage. That'll happen to you too and it's okay. It doesn't mean you've failed or aren't developing quickly enough. We are human. We get triggered. We react sometimes instead of responding. The next best step is always curiosity, not condemnation.

When you start showing up as who you truly are, without the masks and pretences, you give people the chance to know you. Really know you.

Yes, it's terrifying because it means risking rejection and judgment. But it also means you get to experience real, deep, soul-satisfying connections. And that's worth everything. You'll find out super-fast if the person you're on a date with is your kind of person when you are you. You'll see how ace (or not) your friends are when you put a boundary up and say no to a night out on the town to honour your well-being instead.

If you've been living as a social chameleon, I get it. It's a tough habit to break, but it's one that's holding you back from the life you truly want.

You deserve relationships where you're loved for who you are, not for the version of yourself you think people want. It will be uncomfortable, and you might lose some people along the way, but you'll find your people, the ones who love and accept you, just as you are.

If you're tired of feeling unseen and unheard, maybe it's time to stop changing your colours and start standing on your own. Because the world doesn't need another chameleon - it needs the real you.

Authentic by Kat John is out now, published by Penguin Australia.

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Feature image: Supplied.