“Why are you being so bad?”
I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. My son is acting badly. He is not being bad. When I say this, it’s usually because he’s doing the same bad thing repeatedly. He’s ignoring my directions and rules, and my patience is running low. He’s jumping on the couch while the baby is sleeping, again. He’s picking up the cat, and arguing with me when I tell him to put the cat down.
I want him to stop, just for the love of God, stop. And in the heat of the moment, I forget to separate the actions from the child.
I call him bad, but he’s not bad. It is not a part of who he is. He is many things: smart, and funny, and kind, and talkative, and inquisitive, and loving, and so much more. If you ask me to describe him, I could go on for days, and the word “bad” would never come up. Not when I’m calm and collected, focused on who he is as a person.
I don't want my son to think he's bad. But I know that as long as I keep telling myself that I am bad, I will keep doing the same thing to my kids, no matter how many times I tell myself to stop.
There is a difference between being bad and acting badly, and I want him to know that.
But so often, I find myself failing at teaching him this simple and important distinction. I hate that I haven’t succeeded at this from the very beginning of his life, because I know the right thing to say. I regularly resolve that I will say things like, “Your behaviour is not acceptable right now.” And I get it right a lot of the time. But every time I get it wrong, every time I say “you” instead of “your actions,” guilt washes over me, and the internal dialogue starts running through my own head.