Mamamia recaps FBoy Island: Is Nuggetgate the greatest reality TV storyline of our time?

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The exiled FBoys don't know where a woman's erogenous zones are and honestly, it would've been more shocking if they DID.

Elsewhere, Nick is cuddling with his mates and getting the rundown on Vernon and his mullet, while Benny tells Vernon he should be worried, bruv!

As the women debrief, Caleb arrives with a chicken burger and four very large Cokes.

Everyone is impressed because it is apparently really hard to find burgers and chips in northern New South Wales.

Then Sophie nearly chokes.

It's giving CINEMATOGRAPHY. Image: Binge.

OOH. It's time for a talent show!

Benny's talent is performing a roast. He makes a Draco Malfoy joke about Justin and says Darcy reminds him of a bobblehead.

It's a little funny, but the most impressive part is that he didn't even say "bruv" once.

We are witnessing personal growth, my friends.

Nick sings a song except that he actually just talks while strumming nonsensically. Molly must be really into him because she gives the worst performance I've ever seen in my life, a solid 9/10.

Next, Vernon performs as an ACTUAL (and metaphorical!) clown on a unicycle. The unicycle is impressive, but a grown man in clown pants with suspenders should be a crime.

The rest of the talent show goes terribly:

• Izaya performs a poem that turns into a rap that turns back into a poem.
• A man allegedly called Ben plays the drums, sort of.
• Multiple men do TikTok dances.
• A miscellaneous man performs a lap dance that looks way too much like a chihuahua on heat for my liking.
• Caleb strips but also BLOWS A WHISTLE and in WHAT world is that a TALENT?

Finally, Darcy tells dad jokes and Cory ponders how someone can "act like that in front of people". It is just such a spectacular burn, he should've just followed Benny's lead and performed a roast.

In the end, Izaya wins because he said, "My name is Izaya" a dozen times in a poetic fashion.

Congratulations, sir.

Then it's mixer time and Caleb is feeling very confident because he delivered a couple of burgers and hip thrust in a pair of budgie smugglers.

Which is... honestly, fair enough.

Oh no.

Darcy's planned a surprise and it also involved deep-fried food. AND SO HAS CORY.

Cory strikes first with a bowl of fries, which Darcy sees as a deep, deep betrayal.

"French fries are far less superior to chicken nuggets."

My controversial opinion is that fries are the greatest food on earth, so he's wrong. But anyway.

Somehow, Ziara has stumbled into my dream scenario. Men are practically throwing deep-fried food at her. Somehow, bowls of oily food have become his show's greatest currency. It's hysterical and delicious.

Unfortunately for Darcy, he did not think about SEAGULLS.

The rest of the men keep coming over and swooping up the food, which is unfortunate for him but highly entertaining for us.

He throws all the nuggets on the ground and it's the saddest moment in reality TV history. This man is really about to get eliminated for chucking a tanty over chicken nuggets.

NOW THIS! IS! TELEVISION!

Nick and Molly are on a date, and he comes out as a little spoon. 

Then Molly says she's heard his nickname is 'Big D*ck Nick' and oh-

Can we get more insight into what's happening in that mansion, please?

Sophie and Joshy are also on a second date, and Sophie says she feels very comfortable with him - which is saying a lot because THEY ARE LYING ON A BLANKET ON TOP OF A HEAP OF ROCKS.

You cannot convince me that's comfortable.

After she and Joshy pash a bit, the women try to map out their next steps with a FBoy Investigation board.

Obsessed with the fact they did not bother picking up the rubbish before trying to frame this as a picturesque date location. Image: Binge.

And then it's elimination time.

The women are all dressed in matching purple, like the chicest girlband of all time.

Before we even begin, Caleb reckons he's got something to say. He's still stewing on drama from the first week. I'm sure he has points but DUDE I REALLY JUST WANNA GET TO MORE CHICKEN NUGGET DRAMA.

"Cory, I just wanna know how old are you bro?" he says.

Oh, okay I take it back! The nuggies can wait! We have A LIAR IN OUR MIDST.

He's been telling some people he's 32 and some people he's 35. As a true professional, I consulted my official FBoy Island press kit, which says HE IS 30.

I don't know why he would lie about this. Is he an FBoy? Is he actually 62? 

I would love to know more, but Abbie says NOPE. Because we must return to Nuggetgate.

Darcy says he regrets throwing very popular deep-fried food on the grass and Abbie roasts him appropriately.

His excuse is not sufficient, as Ziara puts both him and 30-something Cory up for elimination.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, DARCY HAS PREPARED A POEM.

"We need to talk about the elephant in the room, but this poem ain't all doom and gloom.

"I did something that was really dumb. My mum is going to kick my bum.

"A wise man once said 'don't die wondering what could have been, please give me a chance to prove myself, my queen."

Oh.

My.

God.

At this point, Cory could reveal himself to be 97 and I would still be rooting for him.

Instead, he just says his heart is pumping. Which is good at any age!

Molly's bottom two are Ben and Jonathan – two men who could've honestly arrived 30 seconds ago.

Ben says he wants to get to know her better, and Jonathan must've lost his tongue in a terrible accident or something.

Sophie's bottom two are Chris and Benny, who both pretend their lack of effort is because they're li'l shy bois.

Ziara eliminates Darcy and RIP, Nugget King.

Molly eliminates Jonathan, who I am concerned may be an actual robot at this point.

And Sophie eliminates shy boi Chris.

In tragic news, all three reveal themselves as Nice Guys. Even Jonathan, who has had his voice returned from a sea witch just in time!

Ohhhh ladies. This is not great, is it!?

Read our recap of this week's other FBoy Island Australia episode here.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer and co-host of The Spill. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Read more:

• Mamamia recaps FBoy Island episode 3: This FBoy pillow fight will be etched in our brains forever.
  
• Mamamia recaps FBoy Island episode 4: Uh, sir, you can't just talk to bar staff about Kama Sutra?
• Mamamia recaps FBoy Island episode 6: An FBoy reveals himself... prematurely.

Feature image: Binge.

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