There is something I have become exceptionally skilled at.
It’s not driving while giving what, I believe, are subtle life lessons to captive 15-year-olds, or ignoring work emails that are a waste of time. It’s holding things in.
I was in the shower the other morning, negotiating with myself over how to handle the fact that a boring domestic chore I’d given my two older daughters hadn’t been done.
Do I let it go? (Little voice says, ‘Do you really want to have an argument this morning?’)
If I do let it go, what is it teaching them about responsibilities and work and that sometimes in life you just have to DO things you don’t want to? (By now I’m not even feeling that warm stream of water over my body.)
What is it saying about my parenting skills that they haven’t done it? (I can’t remember if I conditioned or just shampooed twice or if I washed my face.)
Top Comments
It's both important and necessary to have strong, healthy emotional boundaries. Sometimes it feels like the path of least resistance is best – "be easy going" "don't make waves" ... essentially, trying not to have any negative impact on anyone!
Whether or not people like it, your feelings ARE valid, and when appropriate you should feel free to express yourself. The tough part though, the big battle, is not to take on responsibility for how others react to you. You are definitely not responsible for the feelings of others. It’s hard enough to manage your own, let alone anyone else’s!
Yes, it's probably a more delicate situation when dealing with your kids, but perhaps some deep breaths and focusing on the facts is the key (because in turn, they are also not responsible for YOUR feelings in relation to how they frustrate you!) But I don't think there is anything wrong with letting them know they have not met expectations. I think you’d be setting a great example for your girls if you were open and reasonable with them, showed them that it’s OK to speak your mind and to even sometimes “lose it”! To be perfectly imperfect!
Our highly co-dependent social systems leave very little room for us to develop healthy emotional boundaries because we are always trying to 'play the part' of being kind, easy-going, helpful, tough etc. But for those of us who have shied away from letting things out, perhaps its time to master a new art, one where we allow our feelings to be known if the need arises, but knowing that we are not responsible for anyone else’s. And ultimately, that yours don’t need to be validated by anyone else... could be worth a try!