'I have... questions.' A very honest recap of Kourtney and Travis' 3 weddings.

Wedding specials are the holy grail of television. 

It’s a mix of reality TV, celebrity spotting and the frothy chaos of planning a wedding – and no family ticks these boxes better than the Kardashians.

Kim has had two wedding specials, Khloé aired her own too, and now it’s eldest daughter Kourtney’s turn. 

But for all of those that have seen even a glimpse of Kourtney’s relationship with Travis Barker, you already knew that this wasn’t going to be the most cookie-cutter of matrimonies.

There were going to be tongues. There was going to be at least one tattoo-covered skull. There were going to be mini-dresses worn at all times. And, of course, there were going to be three whole weddings. 

And frankly, if you work at Mamamia, you can’t watch a single piece of content and not want to recap it. So here it is, a full, honest recap of Til Death Do Us Part.

The Vegas Wedding.

Ah, the wedding that frightened every single poor sod in digital media when photos started coming through showing Kourtney and Travis rolling around outside a Las Vegas chapel.

'Surely this isn’t THE wedding?!' we all breathily asked our computer screens.

And we were right. It wasn’t the wedding; it was one of the weddings. The first in this festival of romantic mayhem. 

According to Kourtney, who reminisces on the whole thing in an arty black and white shot of herself and her husband in bed in their Calabasas mansion, “Vegas was the most perfect thing of all time.”

Because, of course it was. Millionaires love to cosplay as spontaneous normies for fun.

And also they maybe a little bit loved it because they were so drunk.

“My baby was loose,” Travis exclaimed. And he ain’t wrong. Kourtney collapsed at the altar in a laughing fit because Travis, who was also sloshed, said the wrong name in their vows.

His name bloop of choice?

“I Travis, take thee Khloé.” 

… Her baby sister. Inebriated or not, if my fiancé dropped another name at the altar I would have flipped a table. Not fallen under it in hysterics. But Kourtney opted for the latter.

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A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian Barker (@kourtneykardash)

Their Vegas wedding was signed off by Elvis Presley reincarnate, meaning it wasn’t exactly most legally binding ceremony. And encouraging wedding number two: The Santa Barbara edition.

The Santa Barbara Wedding.

Perhaps the most low-key of all ceremonies, their Santa Barbara nuptials were the ones that actually made them husband and wife.

We saw the cute pictures of them in their ‘just married’ car yonks ago (and yes, that was another heart attack moment for all digital publishers), but in the wedding special, we got to see more of what the vibe was on the day.

And the vibe was… disorganised.

It seems Kourtney and Travis spent the entire time tottering around asking, ‘where do we stand?’, ‘do we speak now?’, ‘are we married?’

And seeing as this was the most official of all the weddings, that last one was a real red flag. 

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A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian Barker (@kourtneykardash)

My theory here is that their wedding planners were already so busy in Italy stealing every red rose from across the country to vamp up Dolce & Gabbana’s house for the big wedding that they forgot about briefing Kourtney on Travis on their real wedding.

But hey ho, seems someone sorted out the paperwork, so pack your bags – we’re off to Portofino.

The Italian Wedding.

Poor little naive newlyweds Kourtney and Travis have been to Portofino before and the first time, it was super quiet, rustic and romantic.

But now they’re back and visibly cheesed off that in the height of the summer season, their romantic island has been smothered with tourists rudely having their own holidays.

They’ve arrived a few days before the wedding with their kids to have a pre-matrimony vacation. It’s like an appetiser honeymoon. A getaway canapé.

But amongst the gelato eating and boat trips, Kourtney needs to figure out what she’s wearing for her wedding. Which, to any normal bride, would be a hive-inducing time of panic, but Kourtney has a simple solution: access to the entire Dolce & Gabbana archives. So she’s gonna shop there, obvs.

You see, Kourtney is good mates with Dolce and/or Gabana – which is problematic because they’ve been accused of a lot of racism and homophobia, but funnily enough, the home-filmed footage in this documentary didn’t touch on that topic at all.

She opts for a wedding dress that has no... bottom. Which is fine. Just probably not what I was expecting for a classic Italian wedding that they originally wanted to hold in a catholic church. But if anyone can get approval for bare bums in the house of God, it's Kris Jenner.

Travis opts for a sleek tuxedo, and he looks incredible. And the Kardashian-Jenners have clearly decided this is a chance for them to practice for the Met Gala because ballgowns are happening and they are opulent and ridiculous and brilliant.

Images: Instagram and TikTok.

The time has come for Kourtney to walk down the aisle, but there's a problem.

Because the aisle is a cliff face and she's chosen the world's longest veil and it's getting stuck on every craggy rock. 

There's a moment where she gets fully stuck on a tree and there's a genuine concern that she'll tumble off the edge along with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Dolce & Gabbana. 

But there's a happy ending because she makes it down the cliff and to Travis, who is crying at the altar.

There's no Elvis, there are no wrong names dropped in the vows – there's just a handful of very famous people watching two other famous people declare how much they love each other and it's truly perfect.

The mushiness of it all has me changing my mind about some of the judgements sprinkled above.

I take back everything I said about the dress before. This is perfection. She looks like a hot angel with a toilet paper brand sponsorship, in the BEST WAY. The veil is the most delicate piece of artistry that's ever been nearly dragged through a tree, and when Kourtney reveals that she's had one of Travis' tattoos stitched onto the veil, I start crying. 

To me, Kourtney and Travis are the epitome of the best kind of celebrity couple.

They are FCKN weird, live insanely opulent lives and are willing to share not snippets, but whole documentary-sized chunks of their existence for us to enjoy. And for that they will have my love until death do us part. 

Now listen to The Spill do their own recap of the Kardashian Wedding Special right here:

Feature image: Hulu, @kourtneykardash Instagram + Mamamia.

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