What I learned about myself after spending a month away with my four kids.

As a college lecturer, I frequently reflect on what’s working and what’s not. When faced with regular performance reviews and student feedback, it’s hard not to.

As a mum for over 15 years, despite the daily feedback and performance reviews from four delightful children, I rarely take time to reflect on myself as a mum. I suspect it’s because I spend all my time as a mum 'doing' rather than 'reflecting'.

Over Christmas, on holiday for a month with my family, I found myself contemplating who I am as a mum for the first time in forever.

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Not in a deeply philosophical way.

More in a 'what do I need to be able to enjoy the next decade of kids at home without going crazy' way.

Here’s what I learnt about myself:

Lesson 1: The tween and teen phase is fulfilling.

One of the happiest times of my life was when my kids were babies and toddlers. Having four kids under six ensured many wonderful years of nurturing little people who needed me. Since my youngest started school four years ago, I have mourned having to move on from that phase of parenting.

After focusing on my family for a month, I realised how much I enjoy this phase of teens and tweens:

• They are curious and eager to learn about the world.
• Their personalities shine through.
• They have thoughts and opinions to share.
• They have as much to teach me as I do them.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not deluded enough to know that teens don’t come with many parenting challenges. Just let me enjoy this feeling a little longer!

I’m finally okay with no longer having a gaggle of toddlers in tow.

Lesson 2: My needs are as important as my kids.

My default as a mum is to put the kids first, yes, in a martyr-type way.

• The kids are all super hungry; that’s okay. I can eat toast.
• The kids need a hand with last-minute homework; I will finish work when the kids are in bed.
• My son wants to go to the school gym early; I can skip my planned exercise.

Now that the kids are older, it feels reasonable that they can make the occasional compromise to fit in with what I want, even if it’s not best for them. I dragged them to museums and art exhibitions that I wanted to see. I insisted on a family Santa photo (and was clear that there were consequences if they wouldn’t participate).

Why? I want them to value me as much as I value them.

Image: Supplied.

Lesson 3: I need time out.

I am an omnivert (both an extrovert and an introvert, just at different times). As an extrovert, I love being with other people and get energy when I spend time with family and friends. But, as an introvert, I also need time to recharge and reset mentally and physically.

There was no solo time to recharge on holidays, living and sleeping in each other’s pockets 24/7. I had to take myself to the coffee shop at 6am for a 10 minute reset.

Lesson 4: My friends provide vital parenting counsel.

At home, I am in regular contact with friends, at the school gate, on chat or catch-ups. Whilst away, I turned off the chatter to focus 100 per cent on my family.

After a month away, I realised how much I missed my friends.

I missed sharing the joys, and f**k ups, laughing at the 'balls' dropped on any given day. I missed seeking and giving opinions about tackling parenting conundrums. I missed that feeling that we were all in it together.

Now that I’m back, I will let my friends know how special they are.

Liesten to This Glorious Mess. On this episode, join Leigh and Tegan as they reflect on their parenting highs and lows of 2022. Post continues below.

Lesson 5: I am more than a mum.

Being a mum is undoubtedly the most incredible and rewarding job I will ever do.  

But for me, it’s not enough.

Not on its own.

Not all the time.

I realised during the month of parenting 24/7 that the other 'hats' I wear are essential to my wellbeing. Work, study, exercise, and hobbies make up my identity and how I see and value myself.

I am a better person and mum when I’m not parenting 24/7.

Lesson 6: Being seen is more fun than blending in.

It was not easy packing for a month of winter, with everyone urging me to take neutral clothes that I wouldn’t get sick of. Instead, I threw caution to the wind and took clothes from my wardrobe that made me happy.

My rainbow puffer made it super easy for the kids to spot me, no matter how busy. The kids watched with bewilderment as people stopped me daily to ask where my crazy rainbow puffer was from. The endless compliments were joyful and ego-boosting. And they made the kids question if my clothes were as embarrassing as they thought if everyone wanted to know where they were from.

Image: Supplied.

Now that we are home from our holiday, back to the joyful juggle of work and school holiday chauffeuring, playdates and activities, regular parenting busyness has resumed. But not without the promise to myself to add some 'reflection' questions in my catch-ups with friends.

Angela Eves is a mum to four crazy humans and two even crazier golden retrievers. Requires coffee to function. Believes everything is better when coloured, from hair to walls, and anything in between.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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