The 9 extremely serious parenting questions I have for Kate and William.

Dear Catherine and William, 

Can I call you Kate and Wills? No? Okay, probably not. But I have a serious bone to pick with you both and I couldn’t resist the urge to reach out. 

Because while I was watching your gorgeous family at the King’s Coronation celebrations over the weekend, I’ve become convinced that you are parenting masterminds. 

Sure, you’ve got access to endless amounts of wealth and can afford nannies for the less desirable parts of raising three children, but I need you to know you’re starting to make the rest of us look bad. 

Apart from the odd yawn from your youngest Louis, those children were patient and calm sitting through a service which, quite frankly, made some grown adults doze off.

Image: Getty.

So, my dear pals, here are the very serious questions I need you to answer. Nay, I demand you answer about parenting the future king and your other little spares.

Might I suggest starting a YouTube channel with your best tips and tricks?

I await your responses post-haste. 

How do you enforce the pre-approved outfit choices? 

Kids get a pretty serious sense of style early on in life – that’s why you see toddlers strolling around the shops in fairy wings and a fireman hat simultaneously.

And whenever I lay out an adorable outfit for my daughter she usually decides that she hates looking like she’s well cared for and would prefer to wear spotty shorts over striped tights and refuses to let me brush her hair. 

But when you stepped out with your kids dressed like little Victorian-era ghosts on Saturday, there wasn’t a single hair out of place. 

Were there secret battles behind closed doors, where Charlotte screamed, “But muuuuuuummmy, I don’t want to wear this stupid white cape, I don’t care if Alexander McQueen made it!”

Even when you did a public appearance in more casual clothes for the third and final day of the Corry celebrations, it was a beautifully colour-coordinated display of soft blues and denim from all of you.

You even had your five-year-old in a belt. A BELT.

How did you tame their intrusive thoughts? 

Kids like to ask a lllllot of questions. And it’s usually right at the time you need them to just be bloody quiet.

How did you stop them asking things like: 

“Mummy, why is that woman holding a big sword?"

“Why does grandpa look so sad to be wearing that sparkly crown?”

“Why isn’t Aunty Meghan here?” 

“Can I hold the big sword?”

“Why noooooooooot?”

You get my drift. Do you use threats? Do you promise them fancy treats if they stay quiet?

Image: Getty.

What is the booger management situation? 

If there’s one thing we all know about kids, it’s that they can be kinda gross – and a big part of that usually involves snot.

But I haven’t seen any of your kids sporting ‘number 11s’ or smearing boogers across their face with the back of their hand. 

Nor have I seen a single one of them pick a 'bat from the cave’ in public.

I’m not sure if you know this, but this seems to be a favourite pastime for literally every other child in the world. 

I can’t imagine either of you whipping out a pack of wet wipes and rubbing one across their little faces like I do with my toddler. Do you carry an embroidered hanky for each of them? I must know.

Where did you stash the snack bag? 

Some people call it a nappy bag, but I like to call it a snack bag. And it comes with me everywhere we go because my child likes to take a bite out of at least seven different fruits and two types of biscuits the moment we leave the house. 

During Saturday’s Coronation, I didn’t see a single biscuit crumb on Charlotte’s pristine white gown and when little Louis waved with such vigour from the royal balcony, his hands didn’t appear to be covered in any melted chocolate at all. HOW?

Did you have moments you knew the camera wasn’t on you that you snuck them lolly snakes? Or are they too chewy? And then you’ve got to worry about the sugar crash...

Perhaps you limited them to small bites of plain white bread with the crusts cut off? 

TELL ME.

Image: Getty.

What happens if Louis wants his toy bunny in the middle of the Coronation. What then? 

Pretty much every kid I know likes to leave the house with a random toy or household object (for my daughter it was the TV remote for a little while) and you can’t pry it from their little hands no matter how much you try. 

Have any of your kids ever brought a soft toy with them? 

If they made a demand for a certain one, would you send one of your assistants running back to the palace to fetch it? 

Where are the crumbs? 

Seriously, where are they?

Even if a child isn’t eating, you’ll turn your back for two minutes and then they suddenly seem to be covered in them. 

Have you ever seen the underneath of a kid’s car seat? Of course you haven’t, but let me tell you there are enough crumbs under there to feed a small nation. 

Does one of your royal aides walk around with a lint roller and wet wipes on constant crumb watch at public events? 

How did you get Charlotte to keep that spiky headpiece on? 

Charlotte appears the most well-behaved of your kids – I’m sure you know this – but even the most precocious kids still often feel the urge to rip things off their heads from time to time. 

Most parents are lucky to get their kid to keep a hat on, let alone a Jess Collett x Alexander McQueen custom-made headpiece. How? 

What about the back-chat? 

All parents have to face power struggles with their tiny humans, but how do you discipline your son when he is literally the future King of England?

He will one day be the ruler of your nation and yet you have to tell him when he’s had enough screen time. 

How does that conversation go?

And speaking of screens, do you ever wish you could crack out the iPad? 

Believe me, none of us would judge you. 

We’ve all been in the middle of a restaurant with a screaming toddler and known the only thing that would de-escalate the situation is a few episodes of Blippi. 

Have you ever whipped out a phone for Louis to watch YouTube Kids during a royal procession? 

So there you have it, pals. My list of parenting demands questions from me, a mere human. 

I’ll await your reply in the mail any day now.

Feature + Image credits: Getty Images