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It's MAFS reunion dinner time and no one is happier to be back on TV than Collins.
"I hope the food is good!" Collins beams, as a montage of his approx five-episode journey plays.
Collins is asked about how he feels about reuniting with his experiment partner, Natalie, and he just, well... Collinses his way out of the conversation.
'Never heard of her.'
But much more importantly, LUCINDA IS BACK.
She's come bedazzled as a "glamazon, amazon, if you don't mind" and we do not mind at all. In her hotel, she dances on a coffee table for no particular reason and I loved every second of it.
Ridge and Jade have both "dropped the L-bomb" as Ridge eagerly wonders 'who is piping who' in the experiment.
Jayden is definitely piping Eden, as they confirm they're still "in love" and are making plans for Eden to give birth to five children and 10 golden retrievers. Sounds fun.
"He still annoys me!" Eden offers.
'We've never been better or hated each other more :) :)'
Tori and Jack are still together too. Big who cares! They do note that they still live in different states but communicate through "texties," as Jack puts it and sorry, I can't keep typing while I vomit in my mouth.
I'm back!
I'm re-energised by the information that Lucinda and Timothy have become besties since departing the experiment. Lucinda is threatening hugs and Timothy is calling everyone dickheads.
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE AND IT FEELS SO GOOD.
But one thing did change and that's the couples in this experiment because Jono and Ellie are totally together now, despite Jono denying there was anything happening between them to his actual TV wife, Lauren.
In the car on the way, Jono and Ellie are the smuggest couple referring to her ex Ben as "toad" and Lauren as a "dragon" he had to slay. Bad vibes! Lucinda arrives first and prepares a pose to greet her inferior reality star friends.
'Your crush is looking, act casual...'
Tristan arrives as an extra from Saturday Night Fever to match Cass and it's perfect, no notes. Tristan and Timothy reunite and embrace in a father-son hug and I'm most definitely not crying, there's just several tears lodged in my eyes.
The rest roll in before Lauren confirms to the group that she hasn't spoken to Jono since Final Vows but awkwardly adds in a confessional "I don't see anything going on," between her ex and Ellie. I FEEL UNCOMFY.
Meanwhile, seeds of doubt are planted between Tim and Sara, as Jayden says "there's more going on," between them. He tells the group that Tim told Jono he wished he dumped Sara at Final Vows.
The way that no one on earth cares more about Tim and Sara's relationship than Jayden does. This is why his hair is so long: it's full of Tim and Sara's secrets.
Task 1: complete. Task 2: pending. Collins and Natalie share an awkward 'wow' between them as Michael hits on the man who dumped him, Stephen.
Tori and Jack walk into a collective 'ughhhh' from the group. The gang then realises the only people yet to arrive are coincidentally Jono and Ellie. Fancy that.
And then they walk in HOLDING HANDS.
"They're a couple," Melissa Schilling expertly offers. Thanks for the clarity, doll.
The group is shooketh.
'When a red flag walks in but you're dressed as one too.'
Ellie claims they only started dating three weeks prior but Lauren ain't buying it. "As if," she mutters.
Lauren is outraged that Jono gaslighted her about the nature of his relationship with Ellie, who she tries to greet but Ellie blanks her.
"I've got no issues with the girl but now I do," Lauren says in a confessional, as Timothy calls Jono "slimy as a snail".
But Jono has zero remorse. This is quite the pivot from Mr Vanilla to Mr Villain but he's fully embraced it.
I KNEW IT.Dinner begins and Lucinda immediately addresses Jono and Ellie's newfound romance. Ellie speaks nonstop about how happy she is, they confirm they're in a relationship already, and all the while, a defeated Lauren sits in silence.
After obliviously waffling on, Ellie oddly turns to Lauren and asks "Are you hurt?"
NAH, SHE'S THRIVING.
NEVER BEEN BETTER, BABE.
'I miss the simpler times of making little jokes about Jack's abundant nipples...'
Jono tells the group that a week after Final Vows he contacted Ellie and they started dating from there.
Lauren starts sobbing at the table as Jono rejects her reaction, telling Ellie she's 'putting it on'. But Lucinda interjects to tell him she's entitled to be upset.
He does not see the Lucinda Light.
Lauren and Jono end up in a screaming match before he tells her she's the 'nastiest person' he's ever met. Ellie then unintentionally throws Jono under the bus by saying that in a phone call with Ben, she said she suspected Jono had a crush on her.
Suddenly, out of the blue, Ellie starts swearing at the women and it's a bit weird, hey.
Sara tells Jono that there was 'intent' in the early texting considering he is now dating Ellie. He denies it and then turns the tables on her: Tim told him he wished he hadn't gone through with Final Vows.
Sara is furious. Tim is having a giggle. I don't know why anyone would think this couple is incompatible??
My only two moods when I've had more than three glasses of wine. Tim clarifies that he didn't say he 'would' leave Sara but he 'could which is... not better.
Jono continues his villain reign by humiliating Sara and telling the group that Tim deserves someone better than her.
THIS GUY SUCKS. SHUT UPPPPPP.
Sara says she feels blindsided, Tim stammers through his words with nonsensical logic and Jono grins like a demented Cheshire Cat across the table.
Collins is enjoying every minute of it. This is all this man has ever wanted in this cruel world.
'Natasha? Nina? Nicole? I'm getting close...'
Tim admits he was 'indecisive' about their Final Vows before Sara leaves the table in tears.
They leave the dinner and Sara shouts at him "If you don't want to be in this relationship then don't f**king be in it!" which is... fair. Sara is distraught and Tim returns to the table to tell Jono he 'talks shit' about everyone.
"Where do your loyalties lie?" he pressed. Jono is an agent of chaos and I hate it.
MEANWHILE, JACK HASN'T SAID A GODDAMN WORD ALL NIGHT. HOW DID WE GET HERE.
"That was hilarious," Jono reflects. This man!
But never fear, tomorrow's trailer promises a change of pace with Jack and Tori apparently choosing to eject themselves from the experiment by boycotting their final couch sesh.
I'd expect nothing less from such a sh**show of a season.
Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:
Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: We did not see those final vow curveballs coming!
Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The final vows are here and they are filled with rage.
Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jack's friend chose chaos today.
Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Never take dating advice from this man.
Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Timothy has seen the Lucinda Light.
Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Timothy's breakthrough moment has broken us.
Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The Bullsh*t Investigators take no prisoners.
Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jayden's moustache made some solid points.
Tara Watson is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Producer. For more from her, you can follow her on Instagram.
Feature image: Nine
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