'Raising kids and perfectionism don't sit easily together.' 6 things that took me 13 years of parenting to learn.

There is nothing that can prepare you for becoming a parent. 

It is life-changing and unpredictable. And it’s not just the early days of parenting that are challenging. The tricky parts to navigate also come a little later – and these are the things they leave out of the baby manuals. 

I'm almost 14 years into this parenting gig, and I’ve learnt that sleepless nights and changing dirty nappies are only really just scratching the surface of the beginning.

Here are the 6 specific things that have taken me 13 (and three quarters, if that counts?) years of parenting to learn.

Image: Supplied.

1. Kids cost A LOT

Okay, so this may sound obvious. But I never actually knew just how much it would cost to raise kids, and honestly not something I considered beyond the baby's initial “infrastructure” (cot, pram, clothes, nappies etc). I certainly let my heart rule and not my head. I knew that babies cost a lot, but I neglected to think beyond the baby stage. And every child you add to the family costs more (amazing insight, I know, but hey, maths was never my strength). 

It's not just that kids need to be clothed and fed constantly (why must their feet grow so fast??) but then there’s the cost of childcare, swimming lessons, after-school activities, birthday parties, and the tooth fairy (whose going market rate is frankly not commensurate with the tooth's duty of merely falling out). And speaking of teeth, I think I am currently financing my orthodontist’s retirement. Two kids currently have braces, with another two to follow. Ouch.    

2. They need their own safe space

What I know for sure is that kids need to feel loved, to feel safe, and to feel seen. A strong sense of security and assurance are crucial from the toddler years to the tween and teen years (and beyond).

My eldest is soon to turn 14. Her sister, at 12, is hot on her heels. And my third-born at 10 is not too far behind her. The tween and teen years can be tricky to navigate. The world they are growing up in is vastly different to the one I grew up in. 

While it’s healthy for our kids at this age to become more independent, connection is more vital than ever. Kids need a zone to call their own. 

Something my older girls have connected with together is a free app called Zown. It's been created by a mum of tweens and teens herself, and it's basically a closed community where kids receive positivity messages each day, can set their own goals, find trustworthy information (age-appropriate topics), feel good about the world, and just share their own content in a safe and moderated way. The app aims to essentially help kids navigate these years, particularly around the 8 to 14 year mark, using the devices they have access to, but for good. 

I have peace of mind knowing they're using a space I know is safe for them to express themselves, and find vetted information on things like navigating friendships, goal setting and puberty. Zown's parent portal also acts as a handy guide for parents with info and advice from relevant and qualified experts. This definitely helps create a connection point for parents to talk to their kids about positive things (the good news stories they get through the app) and relevant articles to help them navigate this stage of their lives. 

3. Pick your battles

It took me a long time to learn this. In the early days of parenthood, I would exhaust myself trying to convince my toddler not to wear a sleeveless dress when it was 10 degrees outside. Simple solution: throw a cardigan in the bottom of the pram and save yourself the angst. 

Decide what matters, and what really... doesn’t. 

Need to use some screen time to get through witching hour? An extra hour of TV won't matter in the grand scheme. Similarly, if you’ve had a hard day and the thought of cooking dinner for kids that won’t eat it fills you with understandable dread, call in the backup meal: scrambled eggs, a bowl of Weetbix, and remember, brinner is always a winner. (Or Macca's.) 

4. Kids need to be fed 

Every. Single. Night.

I have four kids, and they each have different food “preferences” (read: fussiness). Even something simple as the humble potato polarises them. One likes it mashed, the second likes it boiled, another only likes it roasted cut in the form of fries, and one won’t eat it at all. Sounding familiar?

5. Bribes and a few white lies won’t hurt

I know the parenting experts say we are not meant to bribe our children. But there is a legitimate place for 'incentives' in my parenting book. I am not above dangling a carrot in front of my kids to get them to do something (not an actual carrot, no, refer to my point on their food fussiness!) 

I have also learned that parenting is a lot about tactics, white lies, and thinking on your feet. For example, your child enquires after her latest craft project that she was hoping would take centre stage on the dining room table. Quick as a flash you say: “Your dad took that one to work, he was so proud of it.” 

A word of warning here, manipulating the truth may result in cross-examination if you have a particularly suspicious child, or if they like to poke around in the recycling bin.

6. Perfection is the enemy

Being a parent and a perfectionist don't sit easily together. Trying to do it all and expecting it can all be done perfectly, is a recipe for disappointment. It’s simply not possible to achieve an idealistic standard for anything all the time. Instead, aim for *good enough*. 

Just allow the job to be done. I learned to lower my expectations and my standards a long time ago. I also learned to get comfortable with mess. 

Kids’ birthday cakes do not have to be Pinterest-perfect. I’ve spent hours – actually days – assembling the perfect princess castle cake and painstakingly decorated ladybug or mermaid cakes. 

The one they then declared Best Cake Ever was the $5 chocolate mud cake purchased from the supermarket.

Parenthood is a wild ride. Just when you think you get a grip on one stage, the goalposts move and you’re in unchartered territory. 

But that’s what makes it so exciting. 

With kids aged 6, 10, 12 and almost 14, there’s never a dull moment. It’s a kaleidoscope of colour and chaos. And I love it.

Download the Zown app for kids (tweens and teens) from the Apple Store or on Google Play. To find the Zown parent portal, head here.

Michaela Fox is a freelance writer and mum of four girls. To see more of Michaela's parenting adventures of raising four daughters, follow her here.

Feature Image: Supplied.