'This sex toy has been sitting on my desk for 3 years.' I finally reviewed the Pizza Cutter.

On the hunt for a new sex toy? Unsure what to go for and whether or not you need a newly fandangled suction element? Well, BREATHE. Because the Mamamia sex toy reviews are here to help. We get real women to get real intimate with real sex toys and then tell us about them.

This week Katie, who is Mamamia's Sex Editor, reviews the one sex toy she's been avoiding putting anywhere. 

I need to start by letting you know that this sex toy has been gathering dust on my desk for three years.

For anyone that doesn't work at Mamamia, I know this sentence will read like a HR complaint waiting to happen, but I need to add context here: I am a Sex Editor. And for this strange profession, I get sent a lot of sex toys. So much that they pile up on my desk and decorate my computer screen.

I call them my desk dongs and I love them.

But there's one sex toy that I was sent three years ago that I've been way too scared to try: The Pizza Cutter.

Obviously, that is not its official name, but that is exactly what it looks like. And for that reason, the thought of rolling a pizza cutter up and down my vulva seemed like a task I didn't want on my to-do list. Professionally or personally.

But as it's my last week at Mamamia, I thought it was time I (literally) dusted this dude off and gave him a chance.

So here it is. My honest sex toy review of the Pizza Cutter. 

What does the sex toy claim to do?

This sex toy claims to do absolutely nothing. The box doesn't explain a damn thing – instead just refers to it as a pleasure massager. There are no instructions as to where to put it, what to do with it once it's in place, or what it's even meant to make you feel.

It's just a dong, with a wheel, asking you to get very inventive with the next steps.

What was your first impression of the sex toy? (Just by looking at it)

Absolute fear.

I've never seen a sex toy with a wheel before. Let alone one that has a wheel with a dick sticking out of it. 

Image: Supplied

About the only good thing I can say about its appearance is that it seems to be made from a nice, fancy silicone. So that's something.

How much is the sex toy? And do you think it’s worth it?

Since it launched three years ago, this vibrator has been discounted beyond belief and now will only set you back $30. That's six coffees. Or one hungover order from Maccas.

Is the dong on wheels worth 30 bucks though? It's not worth more than a hungover feed, that's for sure. 

If you're keen to shop the Pizza Cutter, then click here and proceed with caution.

What was it like using the sex toy? And how did it really feel?

Now, I've tested a fair few sex toys, but I can categorically say that I've never put anything inside me that felt like this before. 

...And I don't mean that in a good way.

Trying to figure out how to use it is the first hurdle, but I chose the most logical route first: I turned on the vibrations and rolled that Tonka Truck wheel up and down my vulva. It felt exactly how you'd imagine – bumpy, confusing and bringing up an overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself that I finally decided to review this toy.

This manoeuvre did nothing to arouse me. Quite the opposite, in fact. I was drying up in record time and knew I needed to switch techniques immediately before I gave up on the whole thing. 

So I decided to try the other end of the dong. I flipped to holding the wheel and inserting the handle (which vibrates too) inside me. 

While the vibration didn't feel bad, per se, I couldn't fight the fact that I looked down my body and there was a goddamn pizza cutter sticking out of my vagina.

Psst! Listen to Mamamia's sex podcast, Sealed Section. Post continues after podcast.

This visual really destroyed the mood, and so I knew that an orgasm was out of the picture. I removed the Pizza Cutter and sat it next to me on the bed.

I wasn't angry at it, I was just disappointed. 

Describe the sex toy in three words:

What. The. F**k. 

What score would you give the sex toy out of 10?

-14/10. 

This sex toy is best for people who want…

Pizza and are confused about their feelings. 

Any final words?

I think when they said, 'Don't reinvent the wheel,' they were talking specifically about this sex toy.

Found a sex toy that you want to talk about? Let us know in the comments.

While you think about that, have a cheeky watch of the juiciest results from the Mamamia Sex Survey.