I totally understand. It is a shock that I can still feel 18 years later. It was all the little terrifying moments in a world that is completely not what you expected it to be: the insensitive comments, the steep learning curve and the moments of fear. The worst thing I found was not being properly informed - my worst moment was 3 days in, getting my head around this situation, heading to ICU, scrubbing up, only to find my baby not there. He was fine, he was moved to Special Care Nursery as he was improving, but no one had told me. I still can feel that moment of terror. And I remember the faces of mums and dads around me also trying to grapple with their reality. In a world where we are used to controlling things, for something this important to be totally beyond your control was devastating.