What's really wrong with Kate Middleton? Why privacy doesn't work in 2024.

Just asking questions.

That's what the Internet does.

Just asking questions like, "But does the Covid vaccine really inject a tiny camera to spy on your blood?"

"Is Taylor Swift working for the CIA, tho?"

"Does Australia actually (checks notes) exist?"

"Is it at all possible the Clintons are an alien lizard master race?"

And, of course, "Is the Princess Of Wales locked in a basement dungeon?"

Just asking questions, don't get so upset about it.

We are living in an age of peak conspiracy and it's exciting.

Boring political process is almost certainly deep-state deception. Those who appear real are definitely not. No-one is really dating anyone they say they're dating. And all those famous ladies (looking at you, Beyonce, Nicole Kidman) didn't really have those babies at all. 

Your life, actually, is a simulation. All the people who appear to love you are paid actors. And the moon is definitely fake.

Don't worry, sit down, breathe into a bag. Put on another serum. Watch a show. It's fine.

Welcome to the conspiracy of this week. The one where the woman we shall always insist on calling "Kate Middleton", even though she hasn't actually been called that for well over a decade is definitely NOT recuperating from an operation in the comfort of her own home.

WHERE IS KATE MIDDLETON? Shouts the Internet.

Recuperating from an operation, replies the royal family.

REALLY, FOR THIS LONG?

Watch: Kate Middleton's Style Before & After Becoming A Royal. Post continues below.

Yes, replies the royal family, remember how we told you that she wouldn't be back working until after Easter?

Oh yes, there's that. Still, sounds like lies, the Internet responds. Definitely more likely that she has:

a) Died.

b) Left William.

c) Had a boob job.

d) Is growing out a fringe.

On that last point. As we established, conspiracies are exciting, and some of the Internet argy-bargy about the absence of a British princess this week has produced world-class meme-work. 

Kate Middleton reading that she’s now working as an Oompa Loompa with a BBL in Glasgow. pic.twitter.com/7HbMrq4yTd

— Jamie Boyle (@JamieSBoyle) February 28, 2024

Kate Middleton when she returns and reveals her buccal fat removal results pic.twitter.com/NU2RdCokG4

— Tara Gráinne Ní Chonghaile (@TaraGrace_) February 28, 2024

But also, there's a very good reason why the world's patience with a woman getting better has worn thin. We've been fooled before.

Case in point: For a good few years there, in the late 20-teens, the royals told us that Kate, her husband Prince William, his brother Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle were all absolute besties who couldn't wait to work together on making the monarchy stronger and more modern. 

If you read Harry's book (and who didn't?) you'll know that wasn't true at all. In Spare he is explicit about the fact there was always tension, not only between Meghan and Kate, but for many years between Harry and William. Which makes this picture look... kind of silly.

The First Annual Royal Foundation Forum of 2018. Image: Getty.

Case in point: The world gushed over the marriage of Prince Charles and "Lady" Diana Spencer in 1981, carefully staged as a photogenic love story for the ages. We all now know, only days before their wedding, the now-King's bride found an engraved bracelet intended as a romantic gift not for her, but for his mistress, who he continued to see and went on to marry.

Case in point: Prince Andrew, the King's brother, swore many times that he had never met Virginia Giuffre, the woman who accused him of raping her when she was a teenager. And then, a photograph of them smiling and posing for a camera turned up. He went on to settle with her out of court, while continuing to deny her claims.

Sometimes, you see, the conspiracies are true. Which is awkward. But this one, centred around a woman's private health information, feels different.

Because what do we expect, from a Princess in recovery? Daily updates from the hospital room? A post-op photo-call like the ones she pulled off after the births of her children, standing upright and waving in a maxi pad less than 24 hours after giving birth?

Well, yes. And yes. Because in this era of hyper-visibility, of personal branding and compulsory authenticity, if you're not telling us what you're doing at all times, what are you hiding?

We track our loved ones and we location-stamp our leisure time. We expect a level of transparency from our bosses about everything from what they earn to who they vote for. We DM the world's most famous people to ask them what dressing they had on that salad, and we expect a reply.

And all this on-demand access is fundamentally incompatible with being a British royal, a job that relies on a level of mystery. If we were to figure out that these palace-dwelling people were just ordinary, messy  humans, we might be confused about why they were chosen by God to be better than us. And that would never do.

So back to poor Kate.

No-one has seen Catherine, Princess Of Wales since Christmas Day. Except her family, of course. And the health-care professionals looking after her. Her staff. Her friends.

What we mean is that we haven't seen her, and we don't like it. Because more than any other public figures, the royals owe us their physical presence.

When Prince William attends an event, the crowds tell him how much they miss her, this woman they've never met. They miss seeing her picture. Knowing she's there. 

Never mind that "abdominal surgery" is rarely minor. Never mind that women's pain in routinely disregarded, downplayed and dismissed. Never mind that a mother of three might actually need rest to recover, and even for a royal, that's hard to come by in a (big) house full of kids.

She should be back at work by now, we mutter, even though we were all primed for the fact that she would not be. And Prince William should be carrying on as normal and not, as he did this week, cancelling engagements to be with her and their three children. That, again, is suspiciously human behaviour, worthy of distrust. 

Today, a statement from the Palace told us all to shut up and sit down. 

"Kensington Palace made it clear in January the timelines of the princess' recovery and that we'd only be providing significant updates. That guidance stands," it read. 

It might as well have added, "Don't you people have something better to do?"

And the answer to that, in a scary world where trust is crumbling all around us, is no. We need distraction. We need small-scale drama. We need to solve mysteries. 

She's definitely growing out a fringe.

Feature Image: Getty.