'I happily agreed to an open relationship. Then my boyfriend told me about his "favourite girl".'

As told to Ann DeGrey

When my partner Tim asked if I’d be up for an 'open relationship' I thought it was a good idea. It wasn’t a sleazy thing, it was a decision made under the guise of modernity and progressiveness. We both felt we were empowering our relationship, embracing a level of trust and openness that many couples wouldn't dare to consider.

The idea of an open relationship was exciting because it meant we could expand our experiences and still have the security of our partnership. Yet, as we ventured down this path, the reality of my feelings took a sharp turn from what I had anticipated.

From the beginning of this new journey, the imbalance became very apparent. Tim, who was sexy, charismatic and sociable, found himself on a stream of dates, each one adding to his excitement and zest for this new arrangement. Meanwhile, I found myself struggling to connect with anyone on a meaningful level, let alone go on dates. The disparity in our experiences made me feel like shit and it also started to sow seeds of jealousy and insecurity within me. Nobody wanted me, everybody wanted him. 

He was going on three or four dates every week, which I found excessive. I asked him to just see one woman per week, and he agreed for a short time but, eventually he was back to going out three times a week. I also felt he was rubbing my face in his dating success because when he was home with me, he’d be preoccupied, texting the women he’s seen, or chasing new blood. 

When I told him this upset me, he said, "But I thought you were cool about us exploring? Isn’t it cool we’re finding new experiences while still being us?" But I wasn’t able to pull anyone–no men, and no women. I’d always been 'bi-curious' and thought it'd be fun to date a woman but the only woman I tried flirting with, told me she was straight and seemed highly offended I’d made a move on her. 

Watch: My Partner Wants An Open Relationship. First Ask These 5 Questions!. Post continues after video.

One night, as Tim prepared for another date, the weight of my feelings became unbearable. "You have no trouble finding women to sleep with but I haven’t even found one person!" I tried to keep the bitterness creeping into my voice, but it was just so humiliating. 

Tim tried to comfort me as I explained that it was hurtful seeing him going out with women, while I’m left at home feeling lonely.

I’d often stand in the bedroom, watching him select his outfit, spritz on his favourite after shave and check himself out in the mirror. It was a silent torment for me. It was a reminder of the excitement he was feeling for another woman’s company–there was no excitement when he was around me. 

I stopped myself from asking him about the sex but there was one woman he said he really wanted to see a second time–we had a rule that the open relationship was all about one-night stands. So I asked to see a photo of her and, of course, she was a stunning blonde. I stupidly asked what the sex was like and he told me she gave him the most amazing blow job he’s ever had–how on earth is this supposed to make me feel? I felt that he was being cruel. 

So I decided to do something stupid and pretend I was going on a date. I wanted to see if Tim felt jealous. So I got dressed up and told Tim I was going out with "a hot older man".

Then I went to my sister’s house to hide. When I got home around midnight, Tim was still sitting on the couch watching television. "How was the date?" he asked. "I hope you got lucky."

I lied and said the date was great and I’d like to see him again. But this lie absolutely backfired because Tim seemed genuinely happy for me. He then said he was hoping to see his favourite girl again. 

The nights he was out were long and filled with restless thoughts. I'd toss and turn in our bed, each minute that ticked by was a reminder of the distance growing between us, not just physically but emotionally. Then he’d come home and want to talk about the "amazing night" he’d had–hearing this made me miserable and showed that he was being very careless with my feelings. I saw a side of my partner that I did not like.

Then one night he came home and seemed very upset. He told me he’d been forced to end things with his so-called "favourite girl" because she insisted on being exclusive. She wanted him to end his marriage to me but Tim told her that he loved me–and so he was forced to break up with her.   

I was so relieved about this as it meant our open relationship experience ended before we got in too deep–not that I was ever in a position to be torn between two people! Tim never told me exactly how many times he’d been with this woman, but I suspect it was much more than a casual fling.  

A few months later, I fell pregnant and now we have a two-year-old son, so there are no regrets there. But I haven’t quite forgiven Tim for flaunting his flings in my face and I wouldn’t recommend an open relationship to anyone who isn’t absolutely sure it is what they want. 

Image: Getty.